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[netaji]

You could be sure the person is POLISH when he:
*       puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
*       gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
*       sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
*       tries to drown a fish in waters.
*       thinks socialism means partying.
*       trips over a cordless phone.
*       takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
*       At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Libra."
*       studies for a blood test and fails.
*       sells the car for gas money.
*       misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
*       drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he
        turns around and goes home.
*       gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

[netaji]

1)POLISH is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody  had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women. 
 
2) Three men were applying for the same job as a DETECTIVE.  One was  a POLISH, one was Jewish, and one was Italian.  The chief decided to  ask each applicant just one question and base his decision  upon that  answer.When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the  chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him."  The chief thanked him and  he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked  the  same question.He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again,  the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the POLISH arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long  time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow."  When the POLISH arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?".  Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder". 

3)Our POLISH was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his application form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our POLISH thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.

[netaji]

After grand failure of epic film '*hi' at the box office, Richard Attenborough appointed
a commitee of renowned and succesful Bollywood producers & directors.  The commitee
members included:

1. K.C.Bokadia
2. Subhash Ghai
3. Keshu Ramsay
4. Ramanand Sagar
5. Manmohan Desai
6. XYZ (He wanted to be anonymus)
7. Kadar khan

It was decided that name of the film '*hi' was not colourful.
Following names were suggested.

Alternative names for film '*hi'
 ---------------------------------------------------

1.  lathi bani jwaala
2.  charkha gaye geet sunaye
3.  kasturba & mohan in South Africa
4.  khadi rang layegi
5.  *hi ki aandhi
6.  lathi ki jhankar
7.  deshpremi
8.  Nanga Fakeer (Sirf Vaysko ke liye)
9.  Khaana chhod dunga
10. Ujda chaman
11. Muurdon ka mela , Jalianwala Baug
12. Saabarmati ka Dulaara
13. Aatma aur Mahaatma


It was also realized that the dialogues did not have that bollywood
'fizz'.
Following dialogues were suggested :

1. (Situation : First scene of the movie where Godse fires bullets in
*hi's chest)

Nathuram : isi din ka muze bachpan se intajaar tha kamine, ab bachke
kahan jayega ?
*hi : ye lo tumhare saamne seena taanke khada hun.
    himmat hai to chala goli. are aisi goli ab tak nahi bani jo
    *hi ka seena paar kare.
Nathuram fires...*hi dies on the spot.
Nathuram : Maa, maine tumhe diya huva vachan nibhaya hai.
       Ab  tumhari aatma ko shanti milegi.

2. (Situation : *hi is teaching Meeraben to weave on charkha)
*hi : Aao Meera, mere karib aao
Meeraben : Hato ji. Muze sharm aati hai.
*hi : Are pagli. Aazadi ke kaam me kaisi haya sharm ?
    Ye dekho,aise is dhaage ko charkhepe chadhao.
Meeraben (blushes) : tum bataao naa....
*hi (takes her hand in his hand) : aaah.... kitna narm hath hai
tumhara...
Meeraben : Chhodo ji, koi dekh lega

3. (Situation : *hi is being thrown out of train in South Africa
because he is black)
*hi : Ye kaisa insaaf hai bhagwan ? suna tha bhagwan ke ghar
            der hai, andher nahi. Ab tumhi meri laaj rakho bhagwan...
            (His baggage gets thrown out of the train behind him. His
              mother's photo is smashed to pieces. *hi looks at the
              photo, slowly his eyes turn red... his voice quivers...)
*hi : Yaad rakhna kutto, ek din isi gao me aakar subko
    dekh lunga,chun chun ke marunga, chun chun ke marunga.....

4. (Situation : Kasturba is on death bed, *hi is sitting besides her)
Kasturba : Ek vachan do muze, tum doosri shadi karoge.
*hi : Ye kya kah rahi ho Kasturi, bhala tumhare bina ji paaunga main
?
Kasturba : Muze kuch nahi malum. Aaj ye vaada karo muzse.
    Tabhi chainse marungi main.
*hi (tries to smile) are pagli, is umar me bhala muzse shadi kaun
karega ?
Kasturba (laughs naughtily) : bas karo ji. Itna umar ka khayal
                        hota to us Meeraben ke peeche pagal na hote
tum...
*hi (suddenly realizes that the conversation is taking a dangerous
turn...) :
     Achcha ab tum baat mat karo. Doctor ne mana kiya hai...

5. (Situation : *hi declares his umpteenth indefinite fast)
Kasturba : Aji sunte ho ? Khana taiyaar hai...
*hi : Maine kaha naa ! Nahi khana hai muze khana.
Kasturba : Dekhoji ! Khanene tumhara kya bigada hai ? Do rotiyan
    kha lo aur phir jaha jana hai chale jao. Main rokungi nahi.
    Aur dekho aaj maine tumhare liye gaajar ka halwa banaaya
                hai...
*hi (looks tempted) : Achha tum kahti ho to kha leta hun.


The commitee suggested that songless and danceless movie will
never sell. Following dance sequences were suggested:

1. A Caberet number by Silk Smitha.
    This will be shown to depict the lavish lifestyle of the british.
    It could be shown that the dancer later joins freedom struggle.

2.  A Koli dance sequence (pref. by Madhuri Dixit or Kimi Katkar).
    The situation will be cultural festival in Saabarmati Ashram.
    The Koli dress must be hand-woven and therefore,
    very skimpy. Now, this situation very naturally
    leads to rape of the lead dancer by General Dyer
    (the man who ordered Jalianwala Killing). This will definitely
    prove his villanish character.

3. A dream sequence of *hi & Meeraben is desparately needed.
The lyrics could be "Main meera tu Mohan..."