Most of us are wondering exactly what happened in the Inzy hearings in ENG. Well, a well-placed source of mine (a fly on the wall, if you please) happened to be in the room and recorded the entire conversation that ook place. I am putting here the excerpts that I found relevant. The Fly told me that Shahryar Khan was there to act as an Interpreter for Inzy.
Ranjan Madugalle: So, Inzy, tell us your side of the story. What happened?
Inzy: As-Salaam-Alaikum. Bismillah ur Reham Al Rahim. First of all, iz, thanks to Allah. Iz, yeezzzz. Iz, not a story. Iz, I tell story a home to son. What iz thiz? Iz, you not a baby to listen a story?
RM: No, Inzy. Not those baby stories. I am asking about your version of the incident.
Inzy: Inzydent? Iz, what thiz? A dent in Inzy? Iz, what you a say?
RM: (haplessly) Mr. Khan, please help.
SK: Inzy, they are asking you to tell what happened on the field.
Inzy: Iz, oh, thanks to you sir. Iz, yezzz, I iz a fielding and a Hair come and say that a ball iz to change. Iz, I ask a why? Iz, he a say iz a damage to ball and iz a change. Iz, I say ok. Iz, then he iz a move a hand in circle and iz a toll me a give to 5 run a ENG. Iz, I not a know what he iz a say. Iz, I keep play. Iz, then a tea. I iz a drink to Lemon tea. Iz, a very tasty. Iz, Mr. Khan come and iz slap to me. I am Inzy. I scored a 15017 run. Iz, who iz a slap to me? I thorw a tea to Khan face.
RM: Okay, okay, Inzy. We don't want your fight details. We want to know what happened.
Inzy: Iz, then he a say I iz a *namakool aadmi*. He iz a say ENG iz a 5 run to add becauze we tear on a ball. Iz, I iz anger. I iz not to a cheat. I a cry. I not a go to out. Iz, Hair iz a come and tell get to out. I sayz a no. He sayz get to out. I sayz a no. I am Inzy. I iz a ask why iz a run to ENG. Hair iz a say to shut up and a get to out.
SK: Actually what he is saying is that Mr. Hair asked him to come out and he asked about penalty runs and there was some confusion.
RM: Okay. I get it. Mr. Hair, what's your story?
Hair: Oh, mate. You know how it is with these bunch o' terrorists. They think they are damn smart untill you catch 'em. When they are caught, they start crying, like this big, old, 350 lb. kid did. Mate, I found scratch marks on the damn ball. I showed it to him. Told him they did it and he didn't say anything. And now, he is faking language problem? Mother***er. Just let me be alone with him for 2 minutes and I will show you how well he understands English. Damn, jerk-off. I know who he is. I have seen him hundreds of times slipping his hands in his pants and rubbing his little johnny. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was itching. ITCHING?? My big, fat, stinky ass, he was itching. What is there, in there, to itch? I tell ya, mate. There is nothing in there to itch.
RM: And how do you know there is nothing in there?
Hair: He he he he he.... 'cause once I told him that I had to strip-search him before he came to the field. I said it was a new rule. He stripped and there was nothing but jungle down there. Mate, believe me. I even saw some weired insects.
SK: Mr. Madugalle. I object. These remarks are not neccessary. They should not be recorded in the minutes of meeting. Inzy, is it true?
Inzy: Izz, Mr. Khan sir. What iz to a say?
RM: Okay, okay. Typist, please disregard the remarks about Inzy's Jumman Mian. So, Mr. Hair. What else?
Hair: Yeah, well, so I gave 5 runs to ENG. Then after tea, this damn guy did not come out. I saw the whole PAK team sitting outside the boundary line, twiddling their thumbs. Mohd. Yusuf was there, knitting a sweater for his grandma. Younis Khan was there, pretending to be asleep but was eyeing Afridi. Salman Butt was there itching aways gloriously on his butt-crack. I saw Kamran Akmal nose-picking. Afridi was there trying to fix a date with Mohd. Asif. Razzaq was taking a sunbath alone in his green undies. I mean the whole beeping team was waiting to play but this 300 pound corpse was crying his heart out in the bathroom. What nonsense, mate?
RM: Okay, Inzy? Did Mr. Hair tell you about the ball being scratched?
Inzy: I am Inzy. I scored a 15017 run. Iz, who iz a tell me to what a do? Iz, no one. I iz not a scratch to ball. Iz, how iz a call me cheater-cock? Booooo Hoooooo... Boooooo Hooooooo..... I iz not a cheater-cock.
RM: INZY... INZY... calm down. Mr. Khan. Please control him, he has started crying. Inzy, we are not accusing you of anything.
Hair: Mate, what the beep? You not accusing him? DAMN.. Why? I told you the ball was scratched. I told you I caught him scratching his own balls a number of times. What is there to not understand? What the beep? If he can scratch his own mother****ing balls, he can damn well scratch the beeping cricket ball. QED. DDUUUHHH....
Inzy: Iz, what iz you a say? BBOOOOOOOO.... HHOOOOOOOO..... BBOOOOOOOOO... HHOOOOOOOO....
SK: Mr. Madugalle. Please do something. Make a decision quickly. Inzy is getting emotional. If you don't do something quickly, I will have to talk to Mr. Pawar to find a resolution. Then don't say later on that I didn't warn you.
RM: Mr. Khan. Don't get agitated. I am thinking. But in this noise, I can't even think properly.
SK: Stop thinking, Mr. Madugalle. Start doing something. Haven't you heard the famous song from The King "A little less conversation, a little more action, please"? Do something. And do it now.
Inzy: BBBOOOOOOOOOOOO... HHHOOOOOOOOOOOO... BBBOOOOOOOOOO... HHHOOOOOOOOO....
RM: Okay, okay. I can't even think. What should I do? Who is this King who sang this song?
SK: Elvis Presley.
Hair: Aaahhhh.... The King. What a mate. Beautiful voice. So handsome. So fit. So.... yyuummmm. Ooohhhhh......
Inzy: BBBOOOOOOOOOOOO... HHHOOOOOOOOOOOO... BBBOOOOOOOOOO... HHHOOOOOOOOO....
SK: Mr. Madugalle, do something. I can't stand this crying.
RM: Okay, but what to do?
SK: Say that the ball is okay. No tampering. Kill this inquiry.
RM: But there really are some scratches. How can I say "no tampering"?
Inzy: BBBOOOOOOOOOOOO... HHHOOOOOOOOOOOO... BBBOOOOOOOOOO... HHHOOOOOOOOO....
SK: Who the beep cares about the ball. Everyone thinks you are a good man. They will believe you. Stop this inquiry now before or heads explode.
Hair: Ohhhh yeeeaaahhhh... Me and The King.... on a sunday afternoon.... in the lake, on a boat..... fishing... together.... in each other's pants..... ooooh yeah baby.....
RM: OKAY... STOP... STOP.... INZY, STOP.
Inzy: (stops)
Hair: (snaps out of his dream)
SK: (stops tearing his hairs out)
RM: My decision is that the ball looks okay. No tampering has been done. I find Inzy not-guilty on the tampering chagre. But he is guilty on the charge of bringing the game to disrepute. Based on video playback, I have seen with his hands in his pants. To me, this is bringing the game to disrepute. However, since there are no laws made for this, I am charging him for not coming to the field. As a special instruction to Inzy, I will suggest that he uses B-TEX lotion to relieve himself of his itch. Meeting adjourned.
Inzy: Iz, he he he he. Mr. Khan, sir. Iz, you a geniuz. Iz, you plan a work.
SK: Hussshhhh, Inzy.
Hair: Oh, mate. What a goddamn waste of time. My career is as good as over now. Oh, gotta talk of Jonsey boy. Maybe some Indian state association will give me an umpiring contract. Gotta hurry.
RM: Thank god, this meeting is over. Now I can go back to my Sri Lankan beach and enjoy a day there, *hanging out*.
AuthorTopic: The Inzy Disciplinary Hearing (Read 219 times)
