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[Total Members Voted:]

yes

21 (67.7%)

no

10 (32.3%)

Total Members Voted: 24

Voting closed: July 09, 2006, 11:13:46 AM

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[k-slice]

achutank
moore is qually retarded. bush and him are just opposite ends of the crazy spectrum. i studied a lot of poli sci and econ in school. i actually wrote a paper about the pros and cons of that movie. anyone who thinks that 7 percent of the us economy is fuelled by saudi money is insane. similarly how the hell can a state that controls its opwn oil flow be in debt to the USA? moore lies as much as bush does. is bush an idiot? absolutely,
ok lunch time for me.

[dhruvdeepak]

i agree, moore is an equally big jackass as dubya. he lies through his teeth and his bias jumps out at you rather than his message

[LosingNow]

Oh well, never underestimate the stupidity of the masses. How many times was Laloo Yadav elected as the CM of Bihar. Should Biharis stop contribuitng to the gene pool as well. How about India electing Sonia (whose qualifications are?). Sometimes, I wonder if Congress had put Rajeev *hi's or some *hi's Chappals as candidate, it would be elected by the voters. We tend to take our traditions very seriously and we do have a "precedent" in our mythology of being ruled by shoes (Bharat through Ram's shoes).

Further, what was the choice available to Americans .. Bush vs Kerry. I would say Americans did better in electing their leader than some of the choices the Indian voters have made

[vincent]

Long time ago, on the beautiful coast of Kerala, there lived a mouse called Sudhir.One morning the mouse was taking a walk along the coast when he noticed the elephant called Lakshmi standing in the shade of a coconut tree.

Sudhir was impressed. He said to himself : “Wow,look at that cute chick! And those long and beautiful legs.” Then he thought “Well,I should make love to her, right now”. So, Sudhir ran towards the elephant, climbed on its hind legs and started his work right away.

At this point of time a coconut fell from the tree and landed on the head of Lakshmi. The elephant screamed in great pain “Yeooooooooooooooooooow!!!!”. Sudhir got worried, ran on the back of the elephant, came very close to its ear and whispered “ Did I hurt you my darling?”. The elephant, still in pain shook its head violently to ease the pain. Sudhir was flung far away and landed in a pile of crap left behind by Lakshmi earlier that morning and fell unconscious there.

An hour later,Sudhir’s mom Ponnamma who was looking for him, came towards him and asked “What are doing in that pile of * my dear?”. Sudhir who by now was coming to his senses said “ Mom, I had a terrible nightmare.In my dream,I was making love to an elephant”.

“Well” said Ponnamma, pointing at the pile of *,”That indeed looks like that of an elephant.Let us go home now.You need a bath”.

Moral of the story : Do not go after females you can not afford, unless you want to end up in a pile of *”.

[achutank]

i am predicting that in the next two years the president of the US will assume emergency powers and it will be granted to him by the Supreme Court in full view of TV and media.

forget moore and his bias (even i felt that) but this iraq war is a phoney war. tell me if it is not true. also the job of the soldiers there and it is publicly acknowledged is to guard the oil which incidently is being pumped out by the same people who fund the bush campaign.

why is it alos that so much time has passed and yet hther eis so much chaos in iraq. the iraqis like the romanians have got rid of a dictator, yet here is one country in chaos and the other moved on. dont tell me shia sunni, that will always be there but there does not seem to be any solution except of course the oil operations are going on very smoothly. so where is the money being earned from oil going? is it going to the iraqi exchequer?

[k-slice]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."


Bush's Solution for Workers Not Offshored
One afternoon, President Bush was riding in the back of his limousine in Texas when the caravan passed two pathetic men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," insisted the President."

³But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

"Bring them along!" replied the President.

"But how about my friend?"

The President turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, sir," said the friend, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!" answered the President as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into limousines, and once underway, the poor fellow in the President's car says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Bush replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my ranch. The grass is almost a foot tall."

 
Students at a medical school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that it is necessary that you NOT BE DISGUSTED."

The professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the rectum of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked his finger. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the rectum of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is OBSERVATION. I sunk in my middle finger, and sucked my index finger. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!!"

[k-slice]

"John Smith" was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. So they went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent!

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[k-slice]

some cool headlines from 2004

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group!
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut TakesBlame for Gasin Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]


Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is...


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]

[k-slice]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon inTexas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.

[achutank]

Oh well, never underestimate the stupidity of the masses. How many times was Laloo Yadav elected as the CM of Bihar. Should Biharis stop contribuitng to the gene pool as well.

in bihar there is lawlessness. for the last decade laloo and thugs controlled the state and therefore every election in a laloo area was rigged. its only when central rule was imposed and then elections were held did nitish could become CM.  biharis are illiterate. this is unfortunate in a  state that actually contributes the highest number of bright candidates to the IAS. biharis are one of the most industrial people i have known, but bihar has so long been controlled by the mafia that even the common man has to resort to some level of law-bending to get along. bihar has a lot of potential but the caste wars put pay to everything. its  a rich state that is controlled by bandits. biharis are not stupid, remember. they live even in the kind of barbarism that is bihar of today. where guns rule the districts.
this i am sure is not the case in the United States where the average American has a lot of chance in life to get ahead (even if education is expensive, there is still a lot of access to it). elections are not controlled by thugs or mafia. (except in florida where the bush family held sway in 2000).

How about India electing Sonia (whose qualifications are?).

elections and leaders are not about qualifications but about their integrity levels. when compared to the kind of governance that india was subjected to (and take the way the mahajans have looted money in the last five years - 1 crore shares in Reliance Comm at Re. 1 each! for eg.) people india will choose the lesser evil.
anywhere in the world people have to choose between either a rotten egg or a rotten apple. the person who appears less rotten at that time is elected. but everytime the ruling party has gone too corrupt to be borne they have been dismissed. AIADMK this time for example.  indira *hi after emergency as another example. or the sena in maharashtra who emptied the treasury - they have even lost out completely in mumbai this time.
masses you are right are not stupid. the indian living in the village who lives only for survivial in a village that has no electricity and vote under the fear of the gun or because their land is under mortagage to the local landlord.  yet given a chance the indian villager would know that he will not vote for the landlord's party - but he also knows that will happen only when he has been given full protection to do so by the society he lives in.
compare that to  america where they are exposed to more news channels and expert groups than indian urban centers, in the comfort of their climate controlled life with full protection and security from the govenment not only to life but also livelihood - they have more of a duty to make an informed choice. my question is - do they, really? or is america a society obsessed with celebrity life, shopping and television and does not have time for real issues except when unemployment hits them?

Sometimes, I wonder if Congress had put Rajeev *hi's or some *hi's Chappals as candidate, it would be elected by the voters. We tend to take our traditions very seriously and we do have a "precedent" in our mythology of being ruled by shoes (Bharat through Ram's shoes).

this is empty rhethoric and does not deserve an answer.

Further, what was the choice available to Americans .. Bush vs Kerry. I would say Americans did better in electing their leader than some of the choices the Indian voters have made

what was the choice between really? two people or two idealogies? i think an election is about the latter. so what did bush stand for - war and nationalism (but already there was enough in the media to say that the war was futile). kerry stood hard core economics and non-war (but he was not flamboyant enough maybe i don't know). so who did the vote go to or rather what did the american vote for? my answer  - flag waving jingoism. now the reality is there to be seen (and this was also there albeit is a more lesser version) - recording breaking debt (trillion +) and record -breaking death (>vietnam).

if the bihari was given a 50% chance like that of a Kentuckian i'm sure he would have voted for kerry. and i am sure you would have said that is a wrong choice.     

[LosingNow]

Achutan:
Thanks for all your points..good points and before i respond..let me understand something better from your post..
 
You said
--
kerry stood hard core economics and non-war (but he was not flamboyant enough maybe i don't know). ... recording breaking debt (trillion +) and record -breaking death (>vietnam).
--

Can you tell me what was Kerry's stated plan (during the campaign) on a) dealing with the war on Iraq and b) the reduction or balancing of federal budget at times of war, and c) other material economic issues like social security etc.

[achutank]

now are you telling me that the economy was not part of the democrat agenda this time around? well that would be surprising because the economy has always been a standard feature of democrat campaigns even if they are also taking a more active pro-war or any other such stand. if i remember the presidential debates were not just about iraq and anti-terrorism and foreighn policy and homeland security.

but if you have a point of view on this i would welcome it and stand corrected.

[achutank]

these are kerry's key stands on eco issues: (taken from : http://www.ontheissues.org/Senate/John_Kerry.htm)

FactCheck: Kerry has $900B in proposals, but not as taxes. (Oct 2004)
FactCheck: Bush spent $236B surplus, not $5.6T surplus. (Oct 2004)
Restore pay-as-you-go for fiscal discipline. (Oct 2004)
Shown exactly how to pay for every plan I've laid out. (Oct 2004)
Restore pay-as-you-go rule that Bush broke. (Oct 2004)
Bush has driven up the biggest deficits in US history. (Oct 2004)
Bush's $2.2T figures are put together by a biased group. (Oct 2004)
Incentives to create jobs at home and end corporate welfare. (Jul 2004)
We can do better on economy--lift people out of poverty. (Jul 2004)
Kerry pledges 10 million new jobs & to slow outsourcing. (Mar 2004)
Economy is recovering for corporations to some degree. (Jan 2004)
Will follow Clinton's plan to halve deficit in four years. (Oct 2003)
Base policy on broad growth and progressive taxation. (Oct 2003)

i have highlighted one just to illustrate that the democrat stands in elections have a very high stress on economic matters. in fact i did want to add that Kerry stood for continuation of Clintonomics. but my recollection of the same was hazy,so i did not want  to add it. but now i have it staright from the horse's mouth  .
 the republican election spiel (though its not that the economy is missing by any chance in their stands) have always centered around america, family and unwed americans in the family way. thats by no way i am saying that republicans are bad economists. i think their understanding of capitalism works is much better. but the leaders at the helm strangely ahve always been these (good-on-tv) types. maybe its because of the jfk effect on nixon in the 61 presidential debate. their were head to head but the debate showed up a young suave media friendly candidate. after that the presidential campaigns have always been made for TV.

[achutank]

and kslice sorry about turning your thread around. but we are discussing a real joke here, the US presidency

[LosingNow]

Achutan:
I will respond.. by end of my US day. I know you are in Bombay, India..heard about the blasts there..stay safe.
LN

[suraj]

Hey

if this is a joke thread can we keep other comments in another thread or split this one to make it easier for members to come and read just the updated jokes??

[suraj]

what blasts, LN??

[LosingNow]

suraj:
http://www.cricketvoice.com/cricketforum2/index.php?topic=4131.0
http://ia.rediff.com/news/2006/jul/11train.htm?q=tp&file=.htm

[keep-it-cool]

seven blasts across mumbai

[achutank]

Achutan:
I know you are in Bombay, India..heard about the blasts there..stay safe.
LN

thnx so far still in office. lucky i guess. most of the guys here areon the western line. none have left office still.dont know if the serial blasts are restricted to the railways or will there be buildings and buses targeted like 93 is the question on everyone's mind.

[LosingNow]

Wow. Stay safe guys. We are praying for you all.

[OldPal]

I am with you suraj
Would request all the post owners to delete their non joke posts after they have served purpose and excersice restraint in posting no job posts in this thread atleast.

[flute202020]

Guys, what happened to this thread? I thought this is a great thread to share some joke everyday.

Mods, is it possible to make this a sticky ?

[OldPal]

No offences to any religion - just read them as jokes -


==================================================
Lesbian


sardar : will u marry me?

girl : sorry im a lesbian

sardar : wats a lesbian?

girl : i like to have a sex with a girl

sardar : wow im also a lesbian


========================


Utaar Doonga::::


SANTA: AAJ TO GHAR PAHUNCHTE HI MAIN WIFE KI PANTY UTAAR DOONGA.

BANTA: KYUN ?

SANTA: ARRE USKA ELASTIC BAHUT HI TIGHT HO RAHA HAI MUJHE !!



====================================

Santa’s delight

Doctor: I regret to inform you that you have a brain tumor.

Santa Singh: Hey! Is it? Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Listen, do you really understand the implications.

Santa Singh: Yes of course, do you think I’m a dumbhead or a dodo?

Doctor: Then, why on earth, are you so happy to hear that?

Santa Singh: Oh Doc, how do I tell you? I can prove the people wrong now as I do have a brain.
=================================================================

Coffee


Santa in a restaurant asked to Banta please finish your coffee jaldi yaar or we have to pay more.

Banta, why we have to pay more?

Santa, the price of Hot Coffee is Rs.10/- and Cold Coffee is Rs.20/-.


==================================
5 *
ikk var di gal hai santa singh school teacher di job pakad lendaa hai " english subject"
oh bohat hi mash-hoor jo jaanda hai
us de school vich ik navan principal aaunda hai
us nu bhnanak pendi hai ki santaa singh bohat hi vadhiyaa angreji teach da hai
oda dil kardaa hai ki dekhe santa singh da way of teaching kis tara da hai oh enna mashhoor kyon hai
class de bahar jaa ke khidki kol chori chori dekhan lag penda hai
scene kuch is tara hai

santa singh: bolo bachcho" GADHA "
bachche: " GADHA"

SANTA: BOLO BACHO "GADHA, GADHE DE PICHE GADHA"
bache: "GADHA, GADHE DE PICHE GADHA"

santa : BOLO BACHO " GADHA ,GADHE DE PICHE GADHA, US DE PICHE (BEHIND) MAIN"
bache: " GADHA ,GADHE DE PICHE GADHAA, US DE PICHE MAIN"

princpal no bohat gussa aaundaa ki salaa santa ki padha reha hai

santa: bolo bachO " GADHA,GADHE DE PICHE GADHA ,GADHE DE PICHE MAIN,US DE PICHE SARAA DESH"

Principal ton reha nahi jaanda oh santaa no kehandaa hai aa ke mere room vich milo
santa singh room vich jandaa hai taan princi b gussa hon lagg pendaa hai ki tu ki padha reha hai


santa singh kehanda hai " sir main taa sirf spelling sikh rehaa si"
princi kehandaa hai kis de
santa kehanda hai
"ASSASSINATION " de


4: *
Sardar v/s Donkey
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"

The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasnt riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

[achutank]

this one is the biggest joke i have heard today.

http://in.rediff.com/news/2006/jul/19train.htm

who the beep they think they are fooling around with?

[ranjit]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

[ranjit]

So one day God decendes into the Garden of Eden and pulls Adam aside.
"Adam, do you see Eve over there?"
"Yes, God."
"Well Adam, this is what I want you to do. I want you to go over to Eve and wrap both of your arms around her and squeeze tightly."
"Ok, God"
Adam does as he is commanded and returns to God.
"Can I ask you something God?"
"Surely you may my Son."
"Why did I just do that?"
"Well Adam, I call that a HUG and it is a very polite way for you to show affection towards her."
"Oh, OK" replied Adam
"Now, Adam, I want you to go over and press your lips to Eve's lips."
"Yes God."
Adam again does as he is commanded and returns to God's side.
"Can I ask you something God?"
"Surely you may my Son."
"Why did I just do that?"
"Well Adam, I call that a KISS, and that is a more intimate way for you to show affection towards Eve."
"Oh, OK" Adam replied.
"Now Adam, there is one more thing that I want you to do. Go back over to Eve and this time hug her, kiss her, and then make love to her."
"Yes God."
Adam again does as he is commanded and returns to God's side.
"Can I ask you something, God?"
"Surely you may, my Son."





(WAIT FOR IT)









(OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD!)











(WAIT................FOR...................It)


Adam asks, "God, what's a headache?"

[ruchir]

A Computer company manufactures a Super Computer and invites intelligent people to ask questions to the computer. Their challange is that the computer will give the correct answer to every questions. If the asnwer is wrong, the person asking the question will get $10,000.

One clever guys goes up to the attendent and tells him he has a questions.

Man: "Where is my father"?

Computer works for a minute, makes some noises and finally gives the asnwer: "He is fishing in a nearby lake".

Man: (Smiling) See... computer is wrong. My father is dead. Give me my money.

Attendent is flabbergasted but composes himself and tells the man to ask the same question differently.

Man: "Where is my mother's husband"?

Computer works again and gives the answer: "He is dead. But your father is still fishing in a nearby lake".

[ranjit]

A Computer company manufactures a Super Computer and invites intelligent people to ask questions to the computer. Their challange is that the computer will give the correct answer to every questions. If the asnwer is wrong, the person asking the question will get $10,000.

One clever guys goes up to the attendent and tells him he has a questions.

Man: "Where is my father"?

Computer works for a minute, makes some noises and finally gives the asnwer: "He is fishing in a nearby lake".

Man: (Smiling) See... computer is wrong. My father is dead. Give me my money.

Attendent is flabbergasted but composes himself and tells the man to ask the same question differently.

Man: "Where is my mother's husband"?

Computer works again and gives the answer: "He is dead. But your father is still fishing in a nearby lake".

Hahaha! Good one

[ranjit]

Not quite household dinner time conversation material, but what the heck!

****************
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota
which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo
factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock
at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and
begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should
see this for himself, so the 2 men march
down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over
the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[ranjit]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.! But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time but when they hatched we only got ten chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Judy.

Aunt Judy was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she took with her was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the beep away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."

[dhruvdeepak]

great stuff.

Note: below is a joke that requires a lot of attention to detail, and quite a bit of concentration. it is well worth it in the end.
--
Rahul is abroad in boarding school studying in the 6th standard. One day in class, the teacher asks him "Rahul, do you know where the Indian Ocean is?" Rahul, uncertain as to the answer of the question, replies "No, ma'am". The teacher, shocked exclaims: "You dont know where the Indian ocean is? Get out of my class and stand outside!"

Rahul obediently stands outside the class. The principal walks by, a jolly old man, and asks Rahul cheerfully why he is standing outside the class. Rahul says: “I was in class and the teacher asked me if I knew where the Indian Ocean is. I said that I didn’t know so she told me to get out of the class.” The principal exclaims "What! You dont know where the Indian Ocean is? Get out of my school! Now! You are expelled!"

Poor Rahul goes to the dorm, packs his bags, and prepares to go home. He calls a taxi and is quite depressed by now. The taxi driver asks him "Why so glum, chum?" Rahul explains: “I was in class and the teacher asked me if I knew where the Indian Ocean is. I said that I didn’t know so she told me to get out of the class. I was standing outside class and the principal came and asked me what I was doing outside class. I told him what happened and he expelled me, so now I am going home”. The taxi driver, truly shocked, says: "What! You dont know where the Indian Ocean is? Get out of my taxi! Now!"

Rahul is left to hoof it to the airport. He buys a ticket back to India and boards the plane. The dreadful events having sunk in, he begins to cry. A kind air hostess asks him "Why are you crying, beta? What happened?" Rahul relates his sorrowful tale: “I was in class and the teacher asked me if I knew where the Indian Ocean is. I said that I didn’t know so she told me to get out of the class. I was standing outside class and the principal came and asked me what I was doing outside class. I told him what happened and he expelled me. Then I was in the cab on the way to the airport, and I was sad so the taxi driver asked me what happened, and I told him. He threw me out of the cab and I had to walk to the airport”. The air hostess, taken aback, shouts "WHAT! You dont know where the Indian Ocean is? OFF THE PLANE, NOW!" The plane is in mid air, and luckily Rahul is afforded a parachute. He is thrown off the plane and lands in the water.

After many hours in the cold water, Rahul, suffering from exhaustion and depression, finally sights a small boat. A cheery fisherman rescues him from the water, and asks how he came to be in the middle of the ocean. “I was in class and the teacher asked me if I knew where the Indian Ocean is. I said that I didn’t know so she told me to get out of the class. I was standing outside class and the principal came and asked me what I was doing outside class. I told him what happened and he expelled me. Then I was in the cab on the way to the airport, and I was sad so the taxi driver asked me what happened, and I told him. He threw me out of the cab and I had to walk to the airport. Then I was in the plane, and crying, so the air hostess asked me what had happened. I told her my story, and she threw me out of the plane”. The fisherman, truly bewildered, whistles and says "How can you not know where the Indian Ocean is?? Get off my boat!" Rahul is thrown off the boat. Luckily, land (India) is nearby and he is a good swimmer, so he makes it to the shores of his hometown.

Rahul weaves his way through the city, absolutely despondent and utterly confused as to why such a fate has befallen him. Finally, he reaches home. Drowning in tears, he falls in front of his parents, not able to say a word. They ask him anxiously, totally stunned as to how he ended up back home in the middle of the school year. Finally, after a glass of water and after calming Rahul down, he explains: “I was in class and the teacher asked me if I knew where the Indian Ocean is. I said that I didn’t know so she told me to get out of the class. I was standing outside class and the principal came and asked me what I was doing outside class. I told him what happened and he expelled me. Then I was in the cab on the way to the airport, and I was sad so the taxi driver asked me what happened, and I told him. He threw me out of the cab and I had to walk to the airport. Then I was in the plane, and crying, so the air hostess asked me what had happened. I told her my story, and she threw me out of the plane. I was freezing in the water when a fisherman came by in his boat and picked me up. He asked me what I was doing in the water, and I told him my story. He reacted in the same way as the others and threw me out, so I had to swim all the way to land”. His parents mutter in unison: "You... dont... know....where THE INDIAN OCEAN IS??" His father takes a moment to gather his thoughts and says "this is unacceptable, you are a disgrace. Get the hell out of my house and never, ever come back!!"

Rahul, utterly astonished by these events, prepares to leave home. His parents turn their heads and refuse to even say goodbye. He makes his way out the door...blinded by tears.

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As he is crossing the street, a truck runs over him and he dies.

What is the moral of the story?
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(highlight line below this to get answer)
LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE ROAD, JACKASS

[ranjit]

Two DGians, Dex and Ruchir, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer (yes they patched up). Dex turns to Ruchir and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life as an English major. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some science and math classes."

Ruchir thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Dex goes down to the college and meets DD, the dean of
admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, physics,
chemistry, and logic.

"Logic?" Dex says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would
have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Dex shakes DD's hand and leaves to
go meet Ruchir at the bar. He tells Ruchir about his classes, how he is signed
up for math, physics, chemistry and logic.

"Logic?" Ruchir says, "What's that?"

Dex says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

[ruchir]

Two DGians, Dex and Ruchir, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer (yes they patched up). Dex turns to Ruchir and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life as an English major. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some science and tech classes."

Ruchir thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Dex goes down to the college and meets DD, the dean of
admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, physics,
chemistry, and logic.

"Logic?" Dex says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would
have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Dex shakes DD's hand and leaves to
go meet Ruchir at the bar. He tells Ruchir about his classes, how he is signed
up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Ruchir says, "What's that?"

Dex says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

 

Good one..... applause

[dhruvdeepak]

Two DGians, Dex and Ruchir, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer (yes they patched up). Dex turns to Ruchir and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life as an English major. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some science and tech classes."

Ruchir thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Dex goes down to the college and meets DD, the dean of
admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, physics,
chemistry, and logic.

"Logic?" Dex says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would
have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Dex shakes DD's hand and leaves to
go meet Ruchir at the bar. He tells Ruchir about his classes, how he is signed
up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Ruchir says, "What's that?"

Dex says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

 
HAHAAHAHAHAAH THIS IS AN ALL TIME GREAT

[justforkix]

ranjit : awesome....

[LosingNow]

So one day God decendes into the Garden of Eden and pulls Adam aside.
"Adam, do you see Eve over there?"
"Yes, God."
"Well Adam, this is what I want you to do. I want you to go over to Eve and wrap both of your arms around her and squeeze tightly."
"Ok, God"
Adam does as he is commanded and returns to God.
"Can I ask you something God?"
"Surely you may my Son."
"Why did I just do that?"
"Well Adam, I call that a HUG and it is a very polite way for you to show affection towards her."
"Oh, OK" replied Adam
"Now, Adam, I want you to go over and press your lips to Eve's lips."
"Yes God."
Adam again does as he is commanded and returns to God's side.
"Can I ask you something God?"
"Surely you may my Son."
"Why did I just do that?"
"Well Adam, I call that a KISS, and that is a more intimate way for you to show affection towards Eve."
"Oh, OK" Adam replied.
"Now Adam, there is one more thing that I want you to do. Go back over to Eve and this time hug her, kiss her, and then make love to her."
"Yes God."
Adam again does as he is commanded and returns to God's side.
"Can I ask you something, God?"
"Surely you may, my Son."





(WAIT FOR IT)









(OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD!)











(WAIT................FOR...................It)


Adam asks, "God, what's a headache?"

LOL!!!!

[LosingNow]

Coffee


Santa in a restaurant asked to Banta please finish your coffee jaldi yaar or we have to pay more.

Banta, why we have to pay more?

Santa, the price of Hot Coffee is Rs.10/- and Cold Coffee is Rs.20/-.


==================================
5 *
ikk var di gal hai santa singh school teacher di job pakad lendaa hai " english subject"
oh bohat hi mash-hoor jo jaanda hai
us de school vich ik navan principal aaunda hai
us nu bhnanak pendi hai ki santaa singh bohat hi vadhiyaa angreji teach da hai
oda dil kardaa hai ki dekhe santa singh da way of teaching kis tara da hai oh enna mashhoor kyon hai
class de bahar jaa ke khidki kol chori chori dekhan lag penda hai
scene kuch is tara hai

santa singh: bolo bachcho" GADHA "
bachche: " GADHA"

SANTA: BOLO BACHO "GADHA, GADHE DE PICHE GADHA"
bache: "GADHA, GADHE DE PICHE GADHA"

santa : BOLO BACHO " GADHA ,GADHE DE PICHE GADHA, US DE PICHE (BEHIND) MAIN"
bache: " GADHA ,GADHE DE PICHE GADHAA, US DE PICHE MAIN"

princpal no bohat gussa aaundaa ki salaa santa ki padha reha hai

santa: bolo bachO " GADHA,GADHE DE PICHE GADHA ,GADHE DE PICHE MAIN,US DE PICHE SARAA DESH"

Principal ton reha nahi jaanda oh santaa no kehandaa hai aa ke mere room vich milo
santa singh room vich jandaa hai taan princi b gussa hon lagg pendaa hai ki tu ki padha reha hai


santa singh kehanda hai " sir main taa sirf spelling sikh rehaa si"
princi kehandaa hai kis de
santa kehanda hai
"ASSASSINATION " de

Great stuff!! LOL

[Cover Point]

hey we dont need no weedeater to tell us Ruchir is Gay 

[LosingNow]

Two DGians, Dex and Ruchir, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer (yes they patched up). Dex turns to Ruchir and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life as an English major. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some science and math classes."

Ruchir thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Dex goes down to the college and meets DD, the dean of
admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, physics,
chemistry, and logic.

"Logic?" Dex says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would
have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Dex shakes DD's hand and leaves to
go meet Ruchir at the bar. He tells Ruchir about his classes, how he is signed
up for math, physics, chemistry and logic.

"Logic?" Ruchir says, "What's that?"

Dex says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

Ha ha ha....this is the funniest one!! I have laughed non-stop for last 5 minutes. Very funny!!