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[Total Members Voted:]

yes

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10 (32.3%)

Total Members Voted: 24

Voting closed: July 09, 2006, 11:13:46 AM

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[ruchir]

Once upon a time, there were three mice, DEX, BLEW and Yours Truly, who were sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood trying to impress each other about how tough they are. DEX, ordered a scotch, gulped it down and banged the glass on the bar. He turned to the BLEW and said, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then run off with the cheese."

BLEW, ordered two shots of bourbon, gulped them down and nearly broke the glasses on the bar. He turned to the DEX and replied, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

Then DEX and BLEW turned to me, Yours Truly. I let out a long sigh and said to the them, "I don't have time for this bull*. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

[fineleg]

Ranjit,
BRILLIANT!!!!! one of the BEST JOKES!

[ranjit]

Thanks, guys. It's an old one suitably modified.

[ranjit]

Towel Heads:

Recently I received a warning about the use of this
politically incorrect term, so please note, we all
need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be
called "Towel Heads", since the item they wear on
their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a
small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to
them as "Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this
delicate matter.

[vincent]

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell run by each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
 
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because The Indian Hell is a nationalized PSU. The maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work and on top there are frequent power cuts.Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil, being a Government servant, comes in late, signs the register, goes to the  canteen and then goes to have a nap..."

[RicePlateReddy]

(No offense meant to Malayalis please - this is clearly humor, sent to me by a good Malayali friend!)

HOTEL KERALA-FONIA  [Sung to the tune of Hotel California]

On the road to Trivandrum
Coconut oil in my hair
Warm smell of avial
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a bright pink tube-light
My tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thin
I had to stop for a bite
There he stood in the doorway
Flicked his mundu in style
And I was thinking to myself
I don't like the look of his sinister smile
Then he lit up a petromax
Muttering "No power today"
More Mallus down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace,
Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Any time of year
Any time of year (background)
It's infested here
It's infested here

His finger's stuck up his nostril
He's got a big, thick mustache
He makes an ugly, ugly noise
But that's just his laugh
Buxom girls clad in pavada
Eating banana chips
Some roll their eyes, and
Some roll their hips
I said to the manager
My room's full of mice
He said,
Don't worry, saar, I sending you
meen karri, brandy and ice
And still those voices were crying from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them pray

Save us from the Hotel Kerala-fonia
Such a lousy place,
Such a lousy place (background)
Such a sad disgrace
Trying to live at the Hotel Kerala-fonia
It is no surprise
It is no surprise (background)
That it swarms with flies

The blind man was pouring
Stale sambar on rice
And he said
We are all just actors here
In Silk Smitha-disguise
And in the dining chamber
We gathered for the feast
We stab it with our steely knives
But we just can't cut that beef
Last thing I remember
I was writhing on the floor
That cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,
I am sure
Relax, said the watchman
This enema will make you well
And his friends laughed as they held me down
God's Own Country? Oh, Hell!

© The Yeagles

[Aloo Kashmiri Ul Haq]

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell run by each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
 
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because The Indian Hell is a nationalized PSU. The maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work and on top there are frequent power cuts.Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil, being a Government servant, comes in late, signs the register, goes to the  canteen and then goes to have a nap..."

hey do reservations work there 

[LosingNow]

This one was forwarded to me today..
--
It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar  Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said"Give me Liberty, or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth? Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton,to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little *. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh *, we're f**ked!" and Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005''

 

[sudzz]

TOP 5 JOKES
 
Number five
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.  The man turns to
her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number four
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book.  It says that American Indians have the longest penises and
Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises.  By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?" "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."

Number three
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.  The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey,I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again."Do
you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


Number two
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed  to overcome the compulsion on his own.One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.  His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill.  I  mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

Number one
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think,fiftyyears ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny rembered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table."You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.  "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[ruchir]

Picking Your Nose

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

[pieterSAN]

Gul has another ball in his hand and bowls to Bell who has two - the brilliant Christopher Martin-Jenkins on TMS.

[hastalavistababy]

#1: When Lalu was/is/will be prime minister of India.
     
    A: bill Clinton will be visiting India. Lalu does not know good English. so Lalu's pa was/is/will be
        teaching him how to welcome clinton.
       
         pa: sir when clinton will get down from plane you will shake hands with him and ask him " how are you?"
             clinton will reply " I am fine" . then you will say "me too".


        actual occurrence:
             Clinton has gotten down from plane. Lalu shook hand with clinton and  lalu was confused between
              "who" and "how" and asked clinton  " who are you?" clinton was surprised and said " I am the
              husband of hillary". lalu  replied " me too".
           


      B will be defined on next posting.

       
 

[sudzz]

Life Questions that need to be answered:

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kittylitter?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s" in it?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

[dhruvdeepak]

i can easily answer all of the above questions, i mean some of them are bleeding obvious. for example:

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
because the sentence is death by lethal injection not lethal infection


What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
my dad is bald. the answer is black

but i am too bored to do the rest 

i want to meet the person who comes up with stuff like this