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[feverpitch]

http://www.fakeiplplayer.com/2011/09/every-sachin-has-a-past-every-sharad-a-future/

Every Sachin has a past. Every Sharad a future.

Like a phoenix he rises again. Like a TV commercial break, he comes into your life when you least want him to. Like an Agarkar, he returns to haunt Indian cricket fans all over again.

Yes, it’s Ravindra Jadeja. The man who single-handedly cost us two T20 world cups and an ODI world no. 1 ranking is back in the Indian team replacing vice-captain Gambhir who didn’t recover from his concussions in time. Ironically, news of his selection caused captain Dhoni to suffer mild concussions of his own.

The sequence of events starting with Gambhir’s injury, reluctance on the part of the Indian team management to send him back home, and Jadeja’s eventual selection should act as a lesson to all those fans who were hurling abuses at the team for their performance in England. As it turns out, the Indian team was desperate to keep a concussion-suffering, blurry-visional, posterior groping Gambhir in the squad only to prevent Indian fans from reliving the Jadeja nightmare. So what if they haven’t been winning, it’s hard to find a sporting team that cares so much for its fans.

Jadeja’s selection sent the cricketing fandom into a tizzy. Tweets with his name starting pouring in and he was trending on twitter within minutes. There were those who were shocked, there were those who were aghast, some found it funny, while others smelt a conspiracy. After hours of debates and careful elimination of every other possibility, the only remaining plausible explanation for his selection was that Jadeja must have some really incriminating pictures of someone high up in the BCCI.

“Let’s not forget that he’s a promising youngster,” a BCCI official said when asked to explain Jadeja’s selection. “All politicians running the BCCI identify with him because, just like them, he too doesn’t deliver on the promise,” he added.

When asked further, he shook his head compassionately and said, “Ravindra has had a tough year. He spent the entire IPL with Sreesanth dressed in orange and purple. I think he has suffered enough for his crimes.”

On seeing unconvinced faces all around, he adapted a famous English phrase and said, “Jadeja deserves another chance. Let’s not forget every Sachin has a past and every Sharad a future.”

Kill Bill

Earlier this week, Sports Minister Ajay Maken tabled his ambitious Sports Reforms Bill in the Parliament expecting ministers running the BCCI to approve a law that’ll bring the cricket body under the RTI. My guess is that Pawar, Deshmukh & Co would have laughed at him almost as loud as I did way back when my Mom asked me to give her access to my drawers.

The Sports Minister would be well advised to drop the BCCI from the Bill because, despite everything, the BCCI is still the best run sports federation in the country. Sports that don’t fall in the radar, like cycling and fencing, desperately need the Bill more than cricket does, and it’d be sad if the Bill gets stalled due to BCCI’s resistance.

As for cricket fans, all they want in the Bill is a clause that stops Jadeja from getting into the side every year.

Resign? Who, me?

This week saw the mother of all confusions when some reports suggested that chief selector Krishnamachari Srikanth had offered to resign after India’s whitewash at the hands of England.

Srikanth has now confirmed that what everyone thought as his offer to resign was really his offer to ‘re-sign’ as the chairman of selectors.

“I owe it to the CSK players,” Srikanth said rubbishing such reports.


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http://www.fakeiplplayer.com/2011/08/have-they-found-the-panic-button/

Have they found the panic button?

If you thought that the BCCI is a self-absorbed organization chasing money and power with scant regard to the national team’s interests, you are absolutely wrong. Inside sources reveal that a recent meeting of the BCCI saw angry scenes with chest thumping, fist punching and screaming & shouting over India’s 4-0 whitewash at the hands of England. The BCCI top brass is recommending sweeping changes to ensure India never face such humiliation in the future.

The committee also deliberated long and hard on the recommendation of a former India cricketer who wrote that “time has come for the BCCI to press the panic button”. For once, everyone in the meeting felt that it sounded like a great suggestion, the only problem being that nobody knew which one of the damn buttons on the switchboard was for panic. Despite frantic attempts, the panic button remained elusive.
 
One wise man suggested that a recent youtube video of the Indian team huddle in which Gambhir is seen with his hand on Ishant’s posterior, which to the layperson may seem like blatant groping, may really be Gambhir pressing Ishant’s panic button. Ishant has been asked to report to Mumbai for a thorough medical examination. If his panic button is located, it’s in for some hard pressed times.

Some of the other recommendations are given below.

1. During the fourth test between India and England, TV audience saw statistics of the number of whitewashes India has faced in series with 4 or more test matches. India had faced such humiliation only three times before this one, the last being 43 years ago. While regular folks like you and me missed such minor details, eagle-eyed BCCI officials carefully noted that India’s 3-0 loss to Australia in 1999 wasn’t a part of this list. So the committee unanimously passed a resolution that will ensure all of India’s future test series will have only 3 tests. “Let’s see how they beat us 4-0 then,” one official boasted as the others nodded in admiration.

2. The BCCI also feels that test cricket has become lawless and violent, a sporting equivalent of a banana republic, and want changes more in line with the evolution of our civilization. “Every road in the world has a speed limit. Every internet connection in the world has a speed limit. What makes cricket so special?” asked one BCCI official. The committee is recommending a speed limit in cricket where bowlers won’t be allowed to bowl faster than 130 kmph, speed that any Indian fast bowler is unlikely to cross. However, the speed limit effectively rules out any possibility of Anil Kumble’s return from retirement.

3. Careful analysis of India’s defeat pattern during the series revealed that if test matches were 4 days long, India would have lost this series only 1-0. Further, this would have created room for an extra 4-day test match generating even more revenue. The BCCI is recommending 4-day test matches from now on.

Some answers finally!

Brain Mapping tests on Dhoni have revealed why India lost so badly to England. Apparently, India’s performance in the series is a result of a question posed to Dhoni at the press conference after winning the world cup.

Dhoni was asked, “Having won the T20 world cup, IPL, Champion’s League, ODI world cup, and the No. 1 ranking in tests, what more does he have to win?” to which Dhoni replied, “I would like to do it all over again.”

How could Dhoni regain the No. 1 ranking in tests without losing it first?

Hence, proved!

[feverpitch]

http://www.fakeiplplayer.com/2011/08/why-shaz-gavz-and-the-other-guy-are-fighting/

Why Shaz, Gavz and the other guy are fighting

Published on August 12, 2011

If you too assumed that Mumbai Mirror’s expose on the BCCI’s past and present contracts with Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Harsha Bhogle stipulating them to toe the BCCI line would bring the three distinguished gentlemen even closer, you were wrong. Sources, not close to the men in question, have reported that there’s trouble brewing amongst the holy trinity on the issue.

The contentious issue is the Rs. 3.6 crore a year, which translates to a lakh a day, that the two former cricketers are earning from the BCCI. Apparently, both Shastri and Gavaskar were under the impression that they were getting paid more than the other.

Given that he has scored more runs than Shastri, Gavaskar feels that he deserves a premium. Shastri, who in his own way has scored far more than Gavaskar, feels the same. And this has become a particularly touchy issue between them.

But, let’s spare a thought for Harsha Bhogle. One, he was getting paid one digit lesser than the M/s Shaz and Gavz. Two, the BCCI didn’t find him important enough to renew his contract after Lalit Modi fled. Three, he was blissful in his belief that even Shastri and Gavaskar’s contracts had not been renewed. Four, Shastri had been tricking him into buying him lunch everyday citing the extra money he needs for cosmetic surgeries for his eye sacks and double chin. All in all, Bhogle’s faith in humanity stands shattered.

How each reacted to this adversity is a psychologist’s delight.

Harsha was the smartest of them all. He quickly wrote an anti-BCCI piece and disappeared from twitter for 27 hours, returning only to plug his podcasts and articles before disappearing again, eventually reappearing when the third test match began. It was a worrying few days for all his fans, me included. Only when tweets that state the obvious like “Indian bowling looks ordinary” starting filling my twitter timeline again, I heaved a sigh of relief with the knowledge that Harsha had taken control of himself and normal service had been restored.

Sunil Gavaskar took the emotional route saying that he needs the Rs 3.6 crores because he has “two eyes, two hands, and a stomach”. (What, in the name of God, does he eat???) And, immediately after, wrote a column saying India’s packed cricket schedule isn’t responsible for their performance on this tour, sending readers into peals of laughter and, in doing so, outperforming Navjot Sidhu yet again. The guy is a genius!

Ravi Shastri, unsurprisingly, was the most eloquent of them all. He implored everyone to look at his “body of work” over the last twenty years before judging him. To give him his due, he does have the distinction of making India world champions in two different sports when, after Sreesanth took Misbah’s catch that fateful evening in Johannesburg, Shastri screamed out in the commentary box “India are the first TT world champion”. It says a lot about the character of the man that he has neither demanded nor received any money from the Table Tennis Federation for this unsolicited help.

But just so we make an informed judgment on the man, I sent a trusted friend out to look for Shastri’s body of work. He has been missing ever since. Although, in his last text he said he was still confident of finding it. Let’s pray he returns like a tracer bullet.