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[dhruvdeepak]

His beard may be greying with dandruff and the worries of captaincy, but the Pakistan captain is always ready to speak to the media these days, armed with a vocabulary that is second to all and a warmth of heart that endears him to his nation.

Our CricketVoice correspondent caught up with him before the 2nd day's play at Kandy:

DD: Morning, Inzy. Crunch match of the series and all to play for.
Inzy: Bismillah ur rahman ur rahim, first of all, thanks to God. Yeayyz boyz is playing well, iz need to bowl Lanka a out fast and iz bat good today.

DD: Good luck to you and your team. I would like to ask you about Bob Woolmer. He has been reported to the ICC for interfering with pitch preparation and inserting a metal pole into the pitch. Your thoughts?
Inzy: Yeahahah iz a good Bob iz coach. He'z see the pitch and say to mee iz pitch iz dead, iz need a ...sp...spa...spark of life for iz make result. Im tell him yeayyz iz no electric city in Kandy in hotel, iz a need to give a shock to pitch. I'm iz tell him iz a thunder storm, iz put a metal iz a good iz give lightning and electric city on pitch.

DD: Strange tactics. But this is against the ICC code of conduct and he will be severely reprimanded.
Inzy: Yeayy iz a ok. I iz there to give a coach if Bob iz a punish, but pitch iz need result, so iz need to give electric city.

DD: So how do you reckon electricity will help your team?
Inzy: Yeahehehe iz a spicial tayctic iz a learn in house. My son I am tell him iz put metal spoon in iz electric socket to make for hairs like iz Andruw Symond and yeayay iz a electric iz go through him and iz burn a carpet. Iz my son he iz pitch ball on carpet and iz a big spin! Iz a use same tayctic here

DD: (shocked) Is your son alright?
Inzy: Yeaayyyz iz a ok. Iz a get a shock anyway every week in mental hospital so iz get a shock iz not a problem. Iz use a electric city for a shock at home iz mean a not a need for go to hospital all the time. Iz costing many money...

DD: But what was wrong with your son?
Inzy (angry because the journalist has brought up a sore topic): Yeeeaaaayy iz my son iz stupid. Iz a tell me "Papa, im iz not a like your baytting, iz a like Tendulkar batting". Im tell him "beta, you stupid. Iz I'm Inzy iz a great baytter. Iz your mental iz a not good. Im iz take you to iz hospital" Then iz go to hospital and iz tell doctor iz problem. Doctor iz tell me my son iz a stupid, iz need mental shock for treatment.

DD: Alright, then. Lovely city this Kandy isn't it?
Inzy: Yeayy iz good place for iz come visit. Iz first of all thanks to PIA for iz transport. I'm iz only come because Shahryar Khan iz guarantee I'm iz captain, otherwise I'm iz not a play. But one thing, Shahryar he iz a trick a me. He iz tell me here iz a get free candy. Im iz a come here and wut eees theees? I go to shop and iz take candy, and iz a ask for a pay money! I'm iz not have money, iz a son he iz use a money for electric shock. Iz not a good, not in a spirit of cricket, iz very angry for Shahryar.

DD: Surely you didn't buy what Shahryar said?
Inzy (angry): Iz a not a buy from Shahryar! Iz make me iz a pay for Biryani and iz give for free to whole team. Im iz tell him my son iz a need money for a mental shock, but iz not a give me food iz free! Shahryar iz not good, iz not a play cricket and iz Leader of iz PCB.

DD: Is your opinion that only former cricketers should hold such esteemed positions in Cricket Boards?
Inzy: No iz not iz only crikaters. Iz Inzy make iz good CEO, becoz iz make boyz waarrk hard and parform. Iz Shahryar iz not give a money for food and tell a lie for a Candy. When I'm iz retire iz become leader of PCB and tell Shahryar iz clean a toilet. Also, after iz make him a clean toilet, iz not a give him money to food, heheheheheheeh...

DD: Moving on...how is your relationship with Bob Woolmer?
Inzy: Iz not iz in relation iz Bob. Yeayyyz both iz eat lotch (lots) and iz big man, but iz not a relate. Iz Bob iz gora, iz Inzy iz Pakistani. You fool, iz not a can see?

DD: No, I meant how do you two work together as team management?
Inzy: Yeayyzz iz a team play good with Bob. For stay a fit, Bob and me iz eat all foods and team iz not a eat, so iz stay fit. Also, boyz iz learn good English from me and little Urdu from Bob. Iz a good for iz help because if win a man-of-match, iz need to come to p...pre...prestation stage and tell iz thanks to God and boyz waark hard.

DD: So Bob teaches the team Urdu? What about job as coach?
Inzy: Yeayyz Bob iz born in a India, iz a know to speak. So iz coach boyz in speaking, and sometimes iz open laptop computer and iz show us picture of iz Indian filmstar. Iz good because iz then afterward waark hard because Bob iz tell iz boyz iz do a filmstar in the night if iz playz well.

DD (utterly confused): So Bob teaches the boys public speech and promises them filmstars for playing well? That's not much of a coaching set up
Inzy: Yeayyz iz actually iz good coach. I iz do a coach mostly and sometimes Imraan Khan iz a teach little, but boyz iz need a moti wait (motivate). So Bob iz do a good for team. Boyz iz have a naytural taylent so iz not a need for a teach many thing in cirkut, but iz need to give a team spirit and iz work haard.

DD: Well, very interesting talking with you, Inzy. Will be glad to catch up with you after the match.
Inzy: Yeayyz iz thanks to God and PIA and Bob. Also, one thing. Iz next week, iz release my auto-bio....bio...auto-story-of-me. Iz am write with Bob in English. Iz English iz a great language and iz a use and tell many story about iz Pakistan team, iz my eating problem, iz also of match-fixing. Iz Rashid Latif iz liar. Iz a not a write book after iz promise to tell a story of iz match-fix. I iz write and tell.

DD: This is great news! Congrats on the publication of your auto-biography! Could you give us a few details? I'm sure the readers will appreciate it
Inzy: Yeayy iz a 6 page book. My son iz after mental shock iz a do drawings, so I'm iz a put in iz book some picture from him. Also iz tell how match-fix iz happen. Actually, iz not my fault. For me, if iz not a eat, iz not a score run. One day, Salim Malik, he iz come and tell me, iz not a eat today, and iz give $500,000. Im iz tell, but iz a lose match if iz not a eat. But Salim iz tell to me, if iz eat today, iz not a play in match. So match iz a lose.

DD (salivating after hearing all this great news): Well! What else is in your book?
Inzy: Yeayyheheh yeayyzz iz you are iz journalist iz a not a tell. Iz wait for book to iz release. Iz many good a story. Why you are iz a drool? Iz a hungry? I'm also iz hungry. Let us iz go iz buy candy. Maybe shop-man iz give for free today....

[kban1]

DD:

Axcelent job!!  Applause for you.

[dhruvdeepak]

thnx kban!

[Blwe_torch]

great post DD!

[achutank]

thnx kban!

dhruv

many years a go i think it was spike miiligan who wroite this brilliant series of shorts liek the on you have where he completely took on idi amin master and ruler of the universe u*a.


you should sit down and make a collection of these and maybe get it published. it  will be  a huge hit. and of course dex gets to rerun it on the site for the traffic to com ine.

[dhruvdeepak]

thnx kban!

dhruv

many years a go i think it was spike miiligan who wroite this brilliant series of shorts liek the on you have where he completely took on idi amin master and ruler of the universe u*a.


you should sit down and make a collection of these and maybe get it published. it  will be  a huge hit. and of course dex gets to rerun it on the site for the traffic to com ine.

that's some praise. thnx. but credit goes to boyz. dex iz make waybsite, and boyz iz read

[justforkix]

you should sit down and make a collection of these and maybe get it published. it  will be  a huge hit. and of course dex gets to rerun it on the site for the traffic to com ine.

Yeah right !!! Inzi will chase down and beat up poor dhruv with his bat . And coincidentally, dhruv resides in Toronto (Inzi - spectator incident)

[achutank]

now we know who created the aloo episode. dhruv.

[dhruvdeepak]

some guys may have missed the original and REAL inzy transcript i 'translated'. Twas on the PremPanix DG. I will paste it here.

WARNING - IT'S LONG

Hear it first!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sol/ukfs_sport/hi/av/nb_wm_fs.stm?scope=solavconsole&rhs=/sol/ukfs_sport/hi/av/newsid_4450000/newsid_4457300/nb_wm_4457386.stm&tab=solavconsole&q=inzamam%20faisalabad&edition=ukfs&mediaformat=nb_wm_&start=&order=

This was after Day 2 of the England - Pakistan Faisalabad Test(2nd Test). Key occurrences - Inzy run out unfairly after Harami threw the ball at him, Inzy equals Miandad's record for most centuries by a Pakistani, very dubious catches claimed, and the gas canister burst (or "br...brrr...brust")


SETTING: BBC PRESS CONFERENCE
 
First I am thanks to God and I am defnatly very haypy b'coz i am equal miandad ricord
but one thing, i aym lot of things abt bayting lrrun from miandad aynd he iz a big player aynd....yeayyyz i am vary haypy ...
 
On Miandad:
yehhhh...he is help me lotch (lots) and he give me bayting tips and.... we iz use in the batting is help for me in lot ... iz good
 
On his dismissal:
actually iz roole iz sayz that if baytsman iz hit the bol iz not running and if bowler, fielder something is throw, is if maybe he iz safe the bol or avoid the bol, and he iz out of tha creese, he'z not out,  iz rool iz says that, but same thing happun iz to day... i am not running...i am not go for the run. i'm just ayvoid the bol, maybe iz my foot iz out of the creese ... my personal opeeeniion it iz not out butch i can't challenge to thaaaaaaa.....umpire diseeun (decision) because lot of icc roolz code of contract thatz me....but iz tough diceeeun
 
On whether he was surprised:
yeaaaayyy, iz dafnitly, becoz i am know that about roool, and after that when he red light iz on i'm dispointed and i'm surprise for me
 
On whether a report is being filed:
yaaa, i'm not complaining report or officially ki report but i must say to the umpires and referee 'wut eees this'  ...becoz yousuf diceeezunn also iz aaaaaaaa.....something and also afridi decision ... if we have aportrtunity to the 3rd umpire why not we take aportunity ... if doubtful decizun why not go to third umpire ... becoz he's 3rd umpire, he's fusalities iz there...after all iz umpire he'z human beeen...iz sometimes iz right sometimes iz mistake....but izzz ok
 
On the england team:
i theenk iz not fault englund teeam....iz diceeeun makers iz others, iz umpire's hand iz diceeun'z out a not out
 
On Afridi's batting:
yaaaaa iz absolutely iz playing marvelous inningz ... becoz thayt time his team is crucial, englund bolerz boling well and scoring board iz not running ... after that iz score board is run fast! and i think iz playing some umazing shots
 
On Afridi's pitch-works:
i am not see footage on teeeveeee ... but umpirz daryl hairz iz tell me somebody is do-ed this ...andd....now iz difficult for me i am give some communts on it ...refree talk to me. but i theenk itz not sporting play if anybody iz do itz not good ...
 
maybe iz hehehee iz give me a call and telling him 'wuts this' ... anybody...i dont know iz afreedi iz doing or somebody iz doing it is not good for the game

yaaa i dont know wuts this, depending on refree how it iz take it but i think it iz.....definitely it iz mistake...
 
On the explosion:
hehehehe that time i am standing there on this side ... i am think what is happen i am go back ... i know that nothing serious and something iz maybe craycker or something ... but after that weeee....iz pulicemun is said that he is pepsieee gas cylindur thatz iz brus...brus...burs... i think iz nothing

yeaaaay iz averybody iz alright both teamz
 
On the 3rd day:
yeay we try thayt but iz englund batting capable to score 400 runs and we trying haard ... tomorrow is veryyy main day for us becoz if we get out arrly..  if we get out 300 or 350 i think iz 100 150 run lead i think iz good on this trayck. im shore 5th day trayck is not easy on this...

[dhruvdeepak]

now we know who created the aloo episode. dhruv.

yes after that well publicized incident i have devoted my life to avenging that fearsome attack. over the years i have accumulated a wealth of quotes, interviews and press conferences, and with a slight tweaking of the facts will be publishing an 'official' biography of Inzy. I will humiliate him and the only way he will get me to remove the book from the best-selling stands will be the worst form of torture for the man: he will have to submit a 1500 word essay (in english) on why he is sorry for that horrific episode at the Toronto Skating and Curling Club (the cricket stadium) during the Sahara Cup

[toney]

rib tickling. Dhruv, Applause
if you are planning to publish this series, share the spoils with this site too.

[ruchir]

First of all, iz, thanks to a Dhruv. Iz a very nice talk to me, the Inzy. Iz, talk is tight like a Kim's backs part. Yeezzz, but I am in a sorrow. Iz, you not asked me about a wife? What you do? Iz, how I am to tell how boyz give a help me in child's birthing? Izzz..

[fineleg]

Applause. Great job.

[dhruvdeepak]

yeayz thankz