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[Blwe_torch]

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13, 2009

This and that


This will probably be a quickie. No, no. Not the type that the Sheikh prefers. I meant this will be a short and quick post.

The hunt for FIP has been renewed after a brief ceasefire. So, I can write only when I am absolutely safe and out of reach.

All of us have been asked to lay low with all the off-field controversies surrounding us. We have been directed not to speak with any media or give any statements or tell anyone outside the team about anything that may have happened in the past. So, that's exactly what I am doing here.

Late last night, we were asked uh..actually requested... to assemble. All the Phoren Babas were there too. And they all spoke about how highly they regard India and India's culture. They apologised for anything that may have been said in the heat of the moment. They said that they didn't mean any harm and had nothing but absolute respect for everyone in the team. You know what, most of the Phoren Babas are nice and friendly. It's just a small, tiny group that sucks. Unfortunately, they stick to Bhookha like some strange extensions of his male anatomy, and hence are very influential in the scheme of things. Btw, Dildo is in touch with Slimeball on the issue and there's an attempt to hush up the matter.

Dildo has finally realised that changing (and then re-changing) the name on the advice of a famous bollywood numerologist is not enough to win the IPL. For that, you need a team of players. So, the inevitable will happen almost as soon as we return. Heads are certain to roll, irrespective of what's being said in the press. The directive has come right from the top. Next year, our team will have a completely new look. And I am not talking about the jerseys here, which incidentally may also change. Hardly anyone who forms part of the management, support staff and team will be around next year. As I mentioned earlier, Sticky has confirmed his participation next year. Talks are on with another former Aussie player with very close ties with our city even as I write this. It seems bringing him on board will help assuage public anger. Also, Sticky has backed the idea of bringing him on. Which also means that Lordie may have no role to play next yr given his own relations (or the lack of it) with the new Messiah being brought in.

We haven't got our return tickets yet, but the Phoren Babas are returning straight to their respective countries. No parties are being organised, as expected. Boy George has been summoned to Bombay. He will be asked to give the marching orders to everyone before he
himself is fired.

About our game, well, you all saw it so there really isn't much that I can add. Except that nobody knows why the Emerald Pearl was chosen over Bangla Tiger. Bhookha has his own theories derived from some complex mathematical calculations done on his laptop. And given the results I am quite convinced that he uses pirated Microsoft software.

Losses don't hurt as much now. We know that we have to stay here for only a few days more, earn our salaries and return to the comforts of home. Hopefully, with slightly inflated bank a/cs.

Actually, we are the happiest team in the tournament right now. We don't have any more flights to catch as we continue to stay put. We don't face any performance pressures like other teams do. The Phoren Babas are keeping their mouths shut given all the revelations. There are no more compulsory training sessions. This is now like a paid holiday. And the brightest part of our defeats? Dildo continues to stay in India.

I feel bad for the skipper though. He is a good guy, just at the wrong time in the wrong team. Kaan Moolo was particularly upset after yesterday's loss. He knows this was his last attempt at redemption, last chance to correct the 10 years of torture he has inflicted on Indian fans. Little John was angry too, but he's been angry for a while now, mostly attributed to his forced celibacy, reasons for which have been told earlier.

After the match, Skipper had a heated discussion with Bhookha. He made it clear that he isn't going to the press conference alone. Bhookha was of the view that he is neither the coach nor the captain and has no reason to meet the press. It's a captain's job and the captain needs to do it. As they say, success has many fathers and failure is an orphan. The altercation was way beyond Boy George's diplomatic skills. A quick call was made to Dildo and Bhookha was told to accompany Skipper to the press conference.

Some of our players had already told the journos what to ask. And we were hoping that a solid interrogation will take place. Some questions were asked but on the whole the team feels that they got away quite easy.

Appam has confessed to his close confidantes that he isn't quite enjoying his new internet stardom. And the fact that his teammates and even the public in SA is calling him Appam is hurting him a lot. He is blaming this blog and Prince's comment for his poor performance yesterday. Btw, the Prince has told him to go easy on practice as he is unlikely to get another
game anytime soon.

Heard that the Sheikh has done his hammy. Although, I hear that the hammy doesn't quite interfere with his off-field workouts. Kameez Pajama is still smarting at the rejection and how the whole world knows about it now. He has vowed to abstain from any masculine pleasures on this trip, which is a good thing given he didn't have much of a chance anyway. Also, sometime during this tournament, (& my apologies for completely missing out on it), the Prince and Sandy Baddy Babe have renewed their long friendship. They have been seen together in clubs, hotel lobbies and corridors having long discussions on the finer nuances of the beautiful game.

There is news that a certain famous brand is suspecting a rival brand to have orchestrated this blog as a means to sabotage their own marketing effort. This brand is conducting a sting operation to catch the suspected rival brand red handed. Talk about pissing on the wrong tree.

Will write later my friends. But only when I am completely safe.

P.S. Thanks for the votes. Although, I tend to think that my humble request on voting principles hasn't been strictly followed. But the number of votes is simply humbling. Thanks again!

P.P.S. This was meant to be a quickie but ended up being quite a long and exhausting one. Man, with each passing day I am becoming more and more like the Sheikh.
POSTED BY IPL ANONYMOUS AT 3:47 AM


http://fakeiplplayer.blogspot.com/2009/05/this-and-that.html

[keep-it-cool]

So if this is true then Ponting as skipper and Waugh as coach ...that would be some heady combination !

[Blwe_torch]

So if this is true then Ponting as skipper and Waugh as coach ...that would be some heady combination !

Don't celebrate so soon!

[keep-it-cool]

So if this is true then Ponting as skipper and Waugh as coach ...that would be some heady combination !

Don't celebrate so soon!

why should i celebrate a rival team getting stronger?

[gouravk]

i would celebrate this. this is exciting. i am always excited by star combos 

[kban1]

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Get Shorty
 
This one's really going to be a short one cos I have very little time on my hands right now. For some reason, it took me a long time to get the poll thing working today. And it's kind of eaten into the time I had to write. Will send a detailed one later.

Last evening, we were told that we are being investigated upon for match fixing. I mean, this is really funny. When I joined this team I had no clue that we will make so much news off the field. I mean, if there was an IPL for off-field screw ups, we'd have won pads down. Unbelievable. Reminds me of that 3-patti game, muflis or something. The worst hand wins. Wish we had muflis in IPL. We'd bee millionaires by now.

You know what's funnier abt the match fixing investigation? No one seems to be asking the most logical question. Why would someone pay us to lose a match when we are doing the same for free? Anyway, all these allegations are bollocks. It's just a way for some officials & their families to get free tickets and stay for the semis-finals weekend.

But it sure makes for even more interesting times. We have always been kind of a grouped-up team. So, the groups are kind of hanging around together. Don't really have much to play for now, so it's kind of easy. Most of the time is spent on b***hing around and reliving the 'match-fixing days' told by those of us who saw it from closer quarters. Interesting times, really.

Anyway, the main intention of this post is to inform you that looks like we have a sufficient number of votes now. So, we'll take this poll off now. But, we'll replace the existing poll with another one. Right from the time this blog became popular, people have been guessing who FIP is. Many of you are also very certain who I am. How about taking the most common references and putting together a poll to see who the majority thinks I am?

So, please take a few seconds and click on the poll. We all know the polling principles, right?

More later Amigos. Adios.

Posted by IPL Anonymous at 2:53 AM

http://fakeiplplayer.blogspot.com/

[Cover Point]

wow. have you seen the poll numbers over there? He has some following

[Blwe_torch]

wow. have you seen the poll numbers over there? He has some following

Really surprising.....
I wonder, why every other idiot doesn't get this kind of fan following!

[kban1]

The last leg

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Time's really running out for us now and we need to catch up on so many important things. Like last minute shopping, enjoying the massages and spas, trying our luck with the ladies etc. Many of the boys have been busy doing a combination of all of these with varying degrees of success. In between all this, there was the small matter of losing yet another match in the final over. Which was duly done and dusted, and now we are back to our main occupation, looking for deals and some action on the side.

About the last match, well, it's now safe to assume that team selection has hardly played a role in our performance. No matter who played, no matter who opened, no matter who bowled the last over, the result would always have been the same. If it were not for Chatterjee Kaku's good wishes and Indra Devta's blessings, we may have even returned without any points. Now, that would have been a fitting return gift to Dildo, wouldn't it?

We were all gutted after the last match. There are 3 losses that have hurt us the most and this is one of them. Style Bhai got really heated up after the match, ranting about the fast bowlers, batsmen, coaching staff, almost everyone barring himself. The Coach reacted to it but was rudely interrupted by Kaan Moolo with his own cribs and complaints. This is probably one of the few matches in his entire career when Kaan Moolo is not directly responsible for the defeat and he certainly wasn't letting go off this opportunity. He blasted off on a tangent accusing the Phoren Babas and their way of doing things. Mangal added a few choice words of his own in Hindi before we boarded our coach. Lordie just sat there observing and eventually walked off with a slight shrug. I can just sense how much he is enjoying this whole drama. He's got that 'I told you so' look about him these days. Last seen, Boy George was translating Mangal's words to Coach and Bhookha.

At the start of the last over, a couple of us in the dug out had in fact noticed that something was wrong with the field. One of us (and I am not naming him now for a reason which you will probably know later) also tried to draw the Phoren Babas attention to it, but was completely ignored. And the rest is history. If only there was a little more faith in our opinion, we could have at least won one proper match.

Apparently, losing to us is now being viewed as an offence that may warrant capital punishment. Dhakkans' Big Boss had threatened their coach with dire consequences if they lost to us. The coach transferred the heat onto 3-4 young Indian batsmen who comprise their lower middle order. They were asked to shape up or be shipped out. I personally think this kind of talk may work in an Australian environment, but can really backfire in India. And it almost did. While they should thank Ghati Baba for saving their asses, a bottle of wine for the Skipper and a bouquet of roses for Bangla may not be out of order either. Too bad that the Bubblies weren't as obliging today.

Personally, I am most pissed with Dildo's indifference to our plight. At least the Bubblies have someone nice and cuddly to hug after a loss. Who do we have? Bhookha? I don't see anyone hugging Bhookha and risking injury by getting poked in the heart by his bony ribcage. Dildo could have at least gifted us some nice teddy bears before leaving.

Lately, Bhookha's often seen walking up and down corridors late at night mumbling something to himself. Plus, he really believes that he won't be sacked. I am getting seriously concerned about his mental health now.

Thankfully, someone has taken mercy at our misery and decided to give us some company by losing matches from winning positions. Thanks to the Desis, it's not lonely at the bottom anymore. Btw, there are murmurs of dissent against Aila. Many in the team believe Aila's decisions have ended their tournament. The foreign players are a little more vocal about it, but even the desi players have started cribbing. However, most of it is behind closed doors at the moment and out of the public eye.

Bevdaas are on a high, quite literally. Batlivala threw them a grand party after the last match. There was wine, there were women and anything else that young sportsmen with high testesterone need. For guys like Chirkut Teli these parties are godsent as they are saved the pain of fending for themselves in night clubs. No better way to motivate the boys, right? Wish Dildo was here and learning some tricks for next year's campaign. I have a feeling that the Bevdaas will lose the rest of their games. I love it when, as soon as Batlivala starts gloating about his team, they bring him crashing down.

Style Bhai, known for his love for the good life, has started sending feelers to Batlivala for next season. He doesn't want to miss out on these parties, does he? Little John also has spoken to Sheru and wants a transfer to Dilwales next season. With Sticky joining the team, he doesn't want to end up bowling at him only at nets, I guess.

A few answers to your comments now.

Hardik, thanks for suggesting this poll that made me look like a narcissist, as accused by Roshni. I have taken it off.

Anjali, u want me to write abt zoozoos. Who the hell is he? I thought I am the only one giving names here.

Abhi, thanks for continuing to visit the blog and leaving long comments despite the fact that u find the blog boring and my identity fake. I have always believed that guys like you are keeping this blog alive. I look forward to your continued partonage. Plus, I am neither plural nor in California.

Finally, our campaign is coming to an end. Just 2 more matches to go and then we are off. My day of revelation is also coming closer. I spent a lot of time over the last couple of days on the issue. Whether I should or shouldn't? If I do disclose, should I do it while I am here or after returning home? So many questions with no answers. Wednesday is the day guys when I come out of the closet, if I do.

Posted by IPL Anonymous at 10:38 PM

http://fakeiplplayer.blogspot.com/

[broadbat]

Anjali, u want me to write abt zoozoos. Who the hell is he?

Zoozoos btw for the uninitiated are those casper like characters that appear in the current Vodafone ads.

[kban1]

Straight from the Centurion

Monday, May 18, 2009
 
Not sitting in the dugout tonight. Man, it's freezing cold out there. Am just to the right of the dressing room right now and there's 2 wi-fi enabled laptops here. We leave for Durban tomorrow, so may not get to post before wednesday. Here's a quick one. Dildo's managed to find some investors. He will sell some stake in the franchise but will continue to own it. It's final now. It will be announced in abt 10 days. As I write this, Skipper seems to be taking us to an improbable win. When we left India, Dildo had asked us to do the impossible. He didn't know that we'll hear it as 'win from impossible situations' and 'lose from impossible situations' coz that's all we seem to be doing this time round. Wednesday is the day, btw. It's final!

Posted by IPL Anonymous at 9:52 AM

http://fakeiplplayer.blogspot.com/

[12th_Man]

Hope this guys stops giving proof that he is around the dugout and just post the stuff he is good at.
Also I have seen a trend abt him posting more on Punjab than KKR.

[hastalavistababy]

Hope this guys stops giving proof that he is around the dugout and just post the stuff he is good at.
Also I have seen a trend abt him posting more on Punjab than KKR.

there is a video in http://fakeiplplayer.blogspot.com/ where fake IPL blogger is talking

[Blwe_torch]

Hope this guys stops giving proof that he is around the dugout and just post the stuff he is good at.
Also I have seen a trend abt him posting more on Punjab than KKR.

Did I tell you that ...it was me?!

[kban1]

The fly on the wall 'reveals' his story

Sreemoy Talukdar

Thursday, May 21, 2009 3:57 IST Email
 
Mumbai: So the dénouement did finally come. The Fake IPL Player revealed himself on Wednesday, the day Kolkata Knight Riders played their last match of IPL Season 2 but not quite in the way everyone had expected.

The blog, which spread like wildfire in a matter of days, became the toast of the blogosphere, shook the foundations of Shah Rukh Khan's team and inspired boardroom discussions and countless media articles, finally came to an end on Wednesday with the blogger posting a self-shot video in his latest post.

He had carefully built up the climax. The series of posts (43) had a common theme -- someone who has become a "victim" of the system decides to ridicule the establishment armed with his anonymity. He promised to "reveal it all" and threw in teaser polls on his identity.

The mysterious blogger instantly became an iconic figure with some of his nom de plumes (Appam Ch***ya or Bhookha Naan) achieving cult status.

The four-minute video titled 'FIP RIP', however, shows only the silhouette of a person claiming to be the Fake IPL Player.

The shadowy figure starts by saying: "This is me, Fake IPL player... or FIP as you sometimes call me... It's been four weeks, 43 posts... about 17,000 comments till now...

"Behind all the greasepaint, I'm just another faceless guy... grew up in Delhi where I learnt my art... and I have travelled and worked almost all over India... actually, I grew up on cricket.

"One of the earliest memories being that of a grinning Kapil Dev, running back to the pavilion after beating England in the 1983 semifinals... I watched with horror when Miandad whacked Chetan Sharma for that last-ball six... and also overjoyed when Jadeja returned the favour 10 days...err...10 years later..."

Claiming to be an avid follower of the game, the blogger says he skipped an IIM interview for a cricket match.

"Actually I was crackpot enough to skip my IIM interview in order to watch India take on Australia in Feroze Shah Kotla... A match that by the way we lost..."

"But somewhere along the faceless journey in life, I happened to get intimately exposed to cricket... From the kings of Bollywood to the pimps of cricket... and vice versa... from the cricketers with oversized egos to journos (journalists) that are so happy being in such august company (that) they forget to dig deep enough... I've seen them all.

"Yes, I am an insider... I am the fly on the wall... the ghost in the darkness..."

The blogger has serious issues with the T20 format.

"We have changed cricket matches into three-hour cricket movies... with a couple of strategic timeouts in between..."

He says it would take him a couple of books at least to reveal all that he knows but it would also make him "history" were he to do that.

"Still, it's a story that has to be told..."

In smooth English, fluent Hindi and Bengali, the blogger says he has an affinity for Kolkata - the city - and the team KKR just for the sheer drama they produce.

He signs off by saying: "Anyway... this is the story of FIP... finally, it's all just shadow play... or as my name suggest, fake... See you when I see you... kabhi alvida na kehna."

http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?newsid=1257621

[colonel]

The fly on the wall 'reveals' his story

Sreemoy Talukdar

Thursday, May 21, 2009 3:57 IST Email
 
Mumbai: So the dénouement did finally come. The Fake IPL Player revealed himself on Wednesday, the day Kolkata Knight Riders played their last match of IPL Season 2 but not quite in the way everyone had expected.

The blog, which spread like wildfire in a matter of days, became the toast of the blogosphere, shook the foundations of Shah Rukh Khan's team and inspired boardroom discussions and countless media articles, finally came to an end on Wednesday with the blogger posting a self-shot video in his latest post.

He had carefully built up the climax. The series of posts (43) had a common theme -- someone who has become a "victim" of the system decides to ridicule the establishment armed with his anonymity. He promised to "reveal it all" and threw in teaser polls on his identity.

The mysterious blogger instantly became an iconic figure with some of his nom de plumes (Appam Ch***ya or Bhookha Naan) achieving cult status.

The four-minute video titled 'FIP RIP', however, shows only the silhouette of a person claiming to be the Fake IPL Player.

The shadowy figure starts by saying: "This is me, Fake IPL player... or FIP as you sometimes call me... It's been four weeks, 43 posts... about 17,000 comments till now...

"Behind all the greasepaint, I'm just another faceless guy... grew up in Delhi where I learnt my art... and I have travelled and worked almost all over India... actually, I grew up on cricket.

"One of the earliest memories being that of a grinning Kapil Dev, running back to the pavilion after beating England in the 1983 semifinals... I watched with horror when Miandad whacked Chetan Sharma for that last-ball six... and also overjoyed when Jadeja returned the favour 10 days...err...10 years later..."

Claiming to be an avid follower of the game, the blogger says he skipped an IIM interview for a cricket match.

"Actually I was crackpot enough to skip my IIM interview in order to watch India take on Australia in Feroze Shah Kotla... A match that by the way we lost..."

"But somewhere along the faceless journey in life, I happened to get intimately exposed to cricket... From the kings of Bollywood to the pimps of cricket... and vice versa... from the cricketers with oversized egos to journos (journalists) that are so happy being in such august company (that) they forget to dig deep enough... I've seen them all.

"Yes, I am an insider... I am the fly on the wall... the ghost in the darkness..."

The blogger has serious issues with the T20 format.

"We have changed cricket matches into three-hour cricket movies... with a couple of strategic timeouts in between..."

He says it would take him a couple of books at least to reveal all that he knows but it would also make him "history" were he to do that.

"Still, it's a story that has to be told..."

In smooth English, fluent Hindi and Bengali, the blogger says he has an affinity for Kolkata - the city - and the team KKR just for the sheer drama they produce.

He signs off by saying: "Anyway... this is the story of FIP... finally, it's all just shadow play... or as my name suggest, fake... See you when I see you... kabhi alvida na kehna."

http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?newsid=1257621

Given the jawline of the silhouette, I am increasingly convinced that this is Boriya Majumdar.

[colonel]

...who, by his own admission, is Blwe_torch.

[dhruvdeepak]

bah. we outed him first at CV.

what a loser