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[ruchir]

After a long hiatus, on popular demand, TV channel Kab-Tak? contacted Inzy to interview Ganguly and inquire about his retirement declaration. Taking some time out from his Alu parantha brunch, Inzy met Ganguly and interviewed him. Here is the transcript of the interview.

Inzy -- As-Salaam-Alaikum. Bismillah ur Reham Al Rahim. First of all, iz, thanks to Allah. Iz, yeezzzzz, I am iz a talk to Gungooly who iz a tired from kircut. I am iz told to he iz not a play to Kircut from now. Iz, I am a very iz sorryz now iz no one I make iz a fun of no more. Izzz, a hello to Gungooly.
SG -- Yes, hello Inzy. How are you doing?

Inzy -- Iz, what iz a tell to you? Iz there nothing to a do and they iz a ask to me a talk to you. Iz, I am a here.
SG -- Okay then, let roll.

Inzy -- What? Iz you a make fun to me? Iz, you a call me to roll? Like iz a rolly-polly? Hain ji? I iz not a make fun to you when you iz a eye shut and open iz all the time?
SG -- No no, Inzy. I meant to say let's start talking.

Inzy -- Iz, okay iz a first question. Izzzzzzzzz, why is you a tired to kircut again? Iz, when iz you a first tired to kircut?
SG -- What? Inzy, I don't understand the question.

Inzy -- I iz a ask why iz a you tired to kircut 2nd time?
SG -- I am not tired of cricket. Who told you that? Cricket is my life. I eat, breath, sleep and poop cricket. How can I be tired of cricket?

Inzy -- Iz a confuzion to there? You iz a say I am retire of kircut. Iz you say not? Hain ji?
SG -- Yes. I said that. I am surely retiring from international cricket.

Inzy -- Izzzzzz, yeezzzzzz. Retiring = retire = re + tire = re + tired. Iz, so you iz a tired to kircut. Then iz you a tired to kircut again. Iz, so you iz a say you iz a re-tire to kircut. Yezz?
SG -- Oh my kali goddess, Inzy. You are really murdering the language. Retire does not mean I am tired of cricket. It means I will not play it anymore. There is a difference.

Inzy -- Izzzzzzz, what a differenze iz? Hain ji? You iz not a play to kircut. I iz not a play to kircut becauze I iz a tired. You iz a tired too. Iz, so iz a retire. Iz, so iz a question when iz you a first tired to kircut that now you iz a tired again and iz say a retire? Hain ji?
SG -- Let's move on to the next question, Inzy.

Inzy -- Iz, a okay, iz a how many time you iz a sleep to kircut? And iz wife to know thiz?
SG -- (red faced) Inzy, what kind of question is this? This is nonsense, man.

Inzy -- First of all, iz a thankz to you iz a call me to a man. Iz, not even iz a wife call me man. Iz, you iz a say you "eat, breath, sleep and poop kircut". Iz, so how many timez iz a sleep?
SG -- Oh Kali kalkatte wali, Inzy what I meant was that I think of cricket even in my sleep. It is called speaking figuratively.

Inzy -- Izzzzzzzz, yeeaaazzzz baby. Iz you a think kircut in sleep? Iz what you a dream? Iz a kircut have to good figure? Hain ji? You iz a say you speak iz figure-something. Iz a good figure? Iz I hope iz not a like figure to my wife.
SG -- Inzy, what kind of interview iz thiz? What kind of questionz are you azking?..... What?.... Why am I speaking z instead of s?

Inzy -- Izzzz, I am Inzy. I scored a 15017 run. I iz know how iz a ask to interview. Iz... izzzzzz... how iz a kircut poop? Hain ji?
SG -- WHAT? WTF?

Inzy -- (smiling slyly) Oooohhhhh... Gungooly iz a anger, huh? Iz, you a say you iz a poop kircut also. Iz, how iz a poop? Hain ji?
SG -- Look man, either you ask cricket related questions or I am leaving. I an not going to answer personal questions.

Inzy -- Iz, a okay. Iz, why iz you a tired kircut?
SG -- You mean retire? Well, I thought this is the right time. I wanted to go out on my own terms, not those F****** selector's. They are nothing but a bunch of F******. I mean, just look at them. They even look like limp-d**k F******. Look at The Colonel. Look at his eye bags. It looks like his balls have risen up to his face. He he he... in that case what does that make of his nose? Look at Raju. Man, can't believe he was called muscles. Should have been called "Haath agarbatti, Pair mombatti". Look at Cheeka (Srikkanth). Add and "h" and "n" to his nickname and he becomes Chheenka (sneeze, in hind). Look at his hair. It looks like a dog came out from a bath. Wait, wait, wait... check this out... Cheeka became Chheenka because he caught cold in his bath. Yeah, baby. Dada is on roll. Man, what a laugh riot these guys are. Look at the players they select and drop me. What has Dhoni done in tests recently? Heck, he changed his hairstyle more than the runs he scored. He should open a hair salon. I will send all the Bengal Ranji players to get a haircut from his salon if he pays me commission. Dravid is always looking like he is constipated for a month when he comes to crease, and then he leaves as if he has diarrhea. And Sachin? Heck he plays when he is not in the hospital, and he even hides his hospital visits. Damn, I should not told him how to get those fake certificates. Every time he goes to hospital, he gets one made by his wife and gets selected. I mean how dumb selectors are, accepting a fitness certificate from a pediatrician? And VVS? Poor guy, if he wasn't there, selectors would have thrown me out even sooner. He is the fall guy every time, and that saved my ass till now. You know what? I told him, start paying water and electric bills of selectors, even start getting their cooking gas cylinders. But he didn't listen, Kaif doesn't listen. So, to cut the long story short, I was just tired of all this s**t flying around and just wanted to get the f*** outta there.

Inzy -- Iz, a let me iz a repeat what you iz a say. (rewinds recorder and plays) "... short, I was just tired of all this ...". Iz, what iz you a say? Iz, you iz a tired!? Iz, and you iz call to me iz a liar? Hain ji?
SG -- Inzy, I am just speaking figuratively, not literally.

Inzy -- Iz, what theezzz eezzz? Iz, why you a uze iz a big wordz? "figuratively"... "literally"... hain ji?
SG -- Inzy, what I am saying is I am tired of selectors playing games with me, so I am retiring.

Inzy -- Izzz, not iz a under to stand. Iz, you a tired of game and iz a retired to kircut, but iz a say you not iz a tired. Hain ji? Samajh mein nahin ayaa. Anywayz, iz, how is Nagma bhabhi?
SG -- Inzy, I told you. No personal questions.

Inzy -- I am Inzy. Hain ji? Iz, a have to a try. Iz, a now what iz you a thought to future of you? Hain ji? Iz a you to a comment? Iz a you to a ask a interview iz a like to me?
SG -- Haven't given much of a thought, Inzy. I will first take a few month off, just relax, do nothing, spend time with wife and daughter, then see what offers I have.

Inzy -- Iz, spend a time iz only to wife? Not iz a to Nagma?
SG -- Inzy please.

Inzy -- Iz, okayz..... uummmm... You iz a met to a Chappal. Iz, what iz he iz a say to you?
SG -- Nothing much. He said Hi, I said FU. He offered me to join his academy Chappal-away, but I said I already have one in Kolkata called "Fitness Fighters Cricket Academy". He said if he could link my web site to his, and I said why don't you link my d**k to your ass.

Inzy -- Izzzzz, iz you a to chhakka?
SG -- WHAT? WHAT? WTF is that?

Inzy -- (rewinds recorder and plays) "... why don't you link my d**k to your ass.". Iz you iz a say to that? Hain ji? Iz you a chhakka?
SG -- (red face and fuming) No comments.

Inzy -- Iz, what iz a plan? Iz you a to write bookz?
SG -- Yes, actually I am planning to have my autobiography written by LP Sahi. The title will be "Gangu Dada - Biting Cricket on it's backside and getting away with it.". I plan to open all secrets in this book.

Inzy -- Izzzz, you iz a write Nagma? Iz a secret of Nagma? Hain ji?
SG -- No comments.

Inzy -- Iz, a what secret iz to a open in a book?
SG -- Well, secrets like how I slipped on a banana peel in Nagpur when I missed the test and had to call it groin injury, like how Bhogle overheard me talking to a lady (read Nagma) on phone about Chappal asking me to quit as captain, like me taking of my T-shirt in Lords because a bird pooped on it, like me going to Sharad Pawar's home to get a catering order for my restaurant and media thinking otherwise, like me telling about some helpful laxatives to Dravid in PAK but media thinking I was arguing, like me being in bathroom in AUS and Waugh thinking I made him wait, like me chewing my nails because my daughter puts strawberry flavored nail polish on them, like years ago in AUS me not delivering water as 12th man because of having a hard on after watching Samantha Fox photos in Playboy and media thinking I am arrogant. You know, stuff like that.

Inzy -- Izzzzzzzz.... iz all that iz a happen to you? I iz a buy to book now, iz a give advance to you.
SG -- Inzy, let me have my Autobiography written by LP Sahi first. Okay?

Inzy -- Iz, I think iz a watcherz iz a like to know what iz a parachute train? Hain ji?
SG -- Oh, you mean Parachute Training? Well, that was nothing much. Actually Nagma dared me to sky dive and I accepted. Naturally I was afraid to do so, so I got some small parachutes, tied them to my hands and waist, and asked groundsmen to get a huge blower fan and blow air on me, so that parachutes would inflate and float and I could have my photographs clicked for Nagma. Unfortunately, some sports journalists were also there and the story leaked.

Inzy -- Iz, so what elze iz you a to say to fanz?
SG -- Well, normally I would rather let my bat do the talking but I am retiring now, so all I can say is that I hope I was a good role model to the youngsters and hope I earned the respect I got.

Inzy -- Iz, yeaazzzz, so iz you a do hanky-panky to a Nagma?
SG -- INZY... PELASE... no personal questions.

Inzy -- I am Inzy, hain ji? I am iz a biggerest to fan of Gungooly. Iz a no one iz bigger to a me anywayz. I iz a say to Gungooly iz a love to a him iz or a hate to a him but iz no can iz a take to away hiz record and iz a hiz leadership. Iz, I iz a love to you Gungooly.
SG -- Why, that's very kind of you Inzy. Thanks for the kind words. I love you too.

Inzy -- Iz, I iz a love to you more. Iz, I iz a hug to you.
SG -- Ummm... okay, what the heck.

Inzy grabs SG in a tight bear hug. After a while SG tries to break off but is unsuccessfull.

SG -- Uh, Inzy, can you let go of me?
Inzy -- I am Inzy. I scored a 15017 run. Iz, a give me to a minute and I iz a score to 15018 and iz let you to a go.

Realizing what Inzy was doing, SG somehow slipped out of the grip and ran off into the sunset. Inzy could not face the camera for the final word because he had a .......

[CLR James]

Wow! Funny and raunchy. However, I think SG is one of those rare cricketers who might be able to pen an autobiography on his own.