News Magazine, Thakela, known worldwide in India for their exposes via spy-cam and spy-mic, wanted inside information on what went on in the cricket team selection for the first two ODI for the upcoming PAK tour to IND. So, they contacted our beloved captain Inzy, and asked him to wear spy-mic, that would record every word said in the meeting. Inzy agreed as Thakela had agreed to provide him unlimited supply of Milk and Amul butter for one month. So, off went Inzy to the selection meeting.
Meeting was held in Royal Prince of Bengal hotel, located in Mizoram. For sake of secrecy, Thakela gave nickname for every selector and vice captain. They are as follows:
The Colonel = Karnail
Bhupinder Singh Sr. = Junior Sardar
Sanjay Jagdale = Juggler
Ranjib Biswal = Sleepy
Vankatapathy Raju = Muscles
Yuvraj Singh = Yograj Singh
Inzy = Inzy
Niranjan Shah = Shah ji
So, everyone gathered in the 9-star meeting room of 12-star Royal Prince of Bengal hotel. Shah ji started the proceeding. Yograj was joining via teleconference, as he was in Mumbai to settle the matters with alleged new boyfriend of his girlfriend Khim Sarma.
Shah ji -- Good mornings to every one present and hearing. We are collected here to select the team for first two ODIs of the coming up PAK series. It is a very important meeting because it will set the tune for remaining games. Before we start, I have a question for you, Karnail. Why did you ask the meeting to be held in Mizoram, of all places?
Karnail -- He he he (sly smirk). That's where my imagination takes off, Shah ji. Mizoram is an untouched territory. We can popularise cricket here. More eye-balls, more bargaining power with our sponsors. Getting it now? Also, I heard that they do Step-Farming here, to grow tea leaves and all that. I wanted to explore possibility of a new format of cricket called 'Step-Cricket'. This will be played on the steps that these people have for farming. We can think of rules and all that shyte later on. Imagine, a new format created in India. This mean more power with ICC and another format where we can be world champs!!! Oh my gawd!!! Karnail is really great. He is the God of cricket in India!! Most of these eastern states will participate in Step-cricket, because they are already habitual to these type of fields. Also, it will interest China. Then, China will support India in ICC. More power. HA HA HA HA HA (loud sinister laugh)... they don't call me evil-mind for nothing. I am truly great. That's why I asked to hold the meeting here, so that I could do some research on my idea. If all goes well, we will have more Pawar in ICC. Sorry, I meant more power.
Everyone is speechless. Then Muscles breaks the silence.
Muscles -- You are grrrreat, Karnail saar. Please take me under yourself, I mean under your large, comfortable wings. I want to be like you only.
Karnail postures as if giving 'aashirwad'.
Shah ji -- Okay okay. Enough of this wind blowing in the air. Let us discuss the matter in hand.
Sleepy -- What? Sorry, but what were we discussing? I think I took a quick nap.
Shah ji -- Damn you. We are discussing matter in hand.
Jr. Sardar -- But sir ji, where is the paneer samosa in our hand? You said we will get them first thing in the meeting!
Inzy -- As-Salaam-Alaikum. Bismillah ur Reham Al Rahim. First of all, iz, thanks to Allah. Iz, yeezzzzz, iz I iz a want to my Milk and butter. Where iz there?
Shah ji -- Guys, peoples, first settle down. Let us start the meeting, everything will be here soon. So, Karnail, who is the captain?
Karnail -- (thunders) Who else but Inzy? How dare anyone even think of any name other than our beloved Inzy for the captain post? Inzy will be the captain till I am the chairman of this committee. Everyone got it?
Sleepy -- What? Who the captain? Bose? Ungly?
Karnail -- Inzy, you idiot. And Yograj will be the vice-kaptaan. (picks up the phone and talks to Yograj in whispers) Kyon mian Yograj, in future kaptaan banoge? (wanna be captain?)
Yograj -- He he he... sir ji, neki aur pooch-pooch? (sure sir) .... (then Karnail puts the phone back in conference)
Inzy -- I am Inzy. I scored a 15017 run. Iz, not iz a azk me to who vice-kaptaan? What iz theez?
Karnail -- Oye Inzy. You don't worry, tu fikar nahin kar yaar. Till you are there no one is there.
Shah ji -- Okay, so 2 out of 15 done. Who's next?
Muscles -- I propose to Kachin.
Shah ji -- What? You want to marry Kachin? What is this nonsense? Who made you a selector?
Muscles -- No sir, I propose his name.
Jr. Sardar -- I second it. I have instructions from Drunkard Dungar to keep mumbai lobby happy. So I 2nd Kachin.
Karnail -- I 3rd it. Done. 3 out of 15. Any Objaculation? ........... None? Good.
Sleepy -- Sorry, I took another nap. What about Ungly? I give his name.
Inzy -- Iz, wait iz to a minute. I iz a say to thing about a Ungly. Iz a keep him to iz a lazt. Iz a talk to about him.
Karnail -- Okay Inzy. How about Zakeer? He has been bowling nice and well. He likes to bowl against Pakis. How about him?
Muscles -- I will 2nd every name you propose sir. You are truly a god. What intelligence in proposing Zakeer's name.
Yograj -- I 3rd it. He shares the same promoter with me. Moreover, Khim is friendly with I*a Sharbani. Don't want to anger her. He he he....
Shah ji -- Done. 4 out of 15. Who next?
Jr. Sardar -- Sir ji, give me Harpop Singh and I will be happy. I have instructions from Drunkard Dungar that I need to have Harpop in the team. He told he already have settings with Pawar.
Muscles -- Harpop? Isn't he the one who used to listen to Bhajan all the time?
Jr. Sardar -- Same to same, sir ji. Now he like to listen to Pop songs. So he legally changed his name to Harpop Singh. Very smart kid, this one.
Inzy -- Hain ji? What theez? Iz, player iz a change to name on song? Hain ji? I am Inzy. I not a allow to thiz in a team. Iz a difficult iz to remember namez. Tell iz to him.
Karnail -- Done. 5 out of 15. How about Dosa?
Muscles -- I 2nd it. Firstly because it is from Karnail saar. Secondly he is from south. I hear he makes very good Uthappams. Really delicious. Keep him, keep him. At least I will make him cook Uthappams for me every day. Yum yum.... I am already drooling.
Juggler -- (has been quite till now) I 3rd it. I like him. I mean as a player, don't get me wrong on this. Why are you guys staring at me? What did I say? I said I like him as a player. God!!! You guys are too much!!!
Shah Ji -- Juggler, no one is saying anything. Okay? Stop being so touchy about these things. Done. Okay then, 6 out of 15. Who's next? How about Iftikar Pathan? He seems to have found his swinging ball back.
Inzy -- Iz, Pathan iz a have to a swinging ballz? Iz, not iz a seen in shower room!? When iz a he iz a get to swinging ball?
Karnail -- Inzy, Inzy, Shah ji is talking about his bowling. He has found his swing back, in his bowling. I think he will be a good choice. I 2nd it.
Sleepy -- Oh!! Another name already? Okay, I 3rd it, but what about Ungly?
Karnail -- Per Inzy's request we will deal with him later. Done. 7 out of 15. Good.
Yograj -- Sir ji, how about Sreesat?
Karnail -- He is too costly. Very high economy. He is like a high maintenance girlfriend.
Yograj -- But sir ji, a high maintenance girlfriend always gives high pleasure. I should know about it. He he he he he....
Juggler -- I 2nd it. I think we need the fire burning inside Sreesat, to counter these Pakis.
Inzy -- Iz, not iz a fire in him. Iz, a fire under him. Iz, I iz a hear to him iz a shout 'oui maa, oui maa' every morning, iz when he iz a going in a bathroom. Iz a that why he iz a bad in a mood in the day. But iz a good manz. Iz a hard boyz. I 3rd it.
Shah ji -- Done. 8 out of 15 gone. So, do we need another spinner if we already have Harpop Singh?
Jr. Sardar -- I think to be fair and balanced, as instructed by Drunkard Dungar, we should have another spinner. I propose the name of Banjo Kartik.
Karnail -- Is he the same who used to play 'Murali' in the dressing room?
Jr. Sardar -- Yes sir ji. But now he plays 'Banjo', so he choses to call himself Banjo Kartik.
Inzy -- What theez iz? What iz all theez playerz is a change to name. I am Inzy. I scored a 15017 run. Iz, I not iz a change to name Runzy? I am iz a Inzy!!!
Shah ji -- Cool down Inzy. It seems like it is a new trend these days. Okay, I 2nd Banjo.
Sleepy -- *Yaaaaaawn* I 3rd it.
Shah ji -- Done. 9 out of 15 gone.
Sleepy -- Thank god, Ungly is taken care of. Now I can sleep.
Shah ji -- What who confirmed Ungly? We confirmed Banjo. (by this time Sleepy is asleep again). We have only 4 batsmen till now. We need more. How about Goatam Hasmukh? He did very well in 20/20 cup. Huh? Can be one of the openers. What say?
Juggler -- Yes. He seems good enough. Plus we need someone from Delhi to keep ruling party happy. I definetly 2nd him.
Muscles -- Karnail saar, can I 3rd him? (Karnail nods, smiling like Dalai Lama) Great saar, thanks to you. I 3rd it.
Karinail -- Done. 10 out of 15 gone. Who next? We have only 3 pacers till now. How about Shudra Pratap?
Jr. Sardar -- (immediately) I 2nd it. This will keep the UP lobby happy. Drunkard Dungar was saying he doesn't know when he might need help of Maya or Softie Mulayam. He said he needs to keep everyone in good books otherwise it will be the case of 'Maya mili na Ram'.
Shah ji -- UP is an important lobby. I 3rd it. Done. 11 out of 15 gone. Damn, we guys are good. How about this new kid Mohit Sharma? I hear good things about him.
Karnail -- Yes, we need to keep Pawar happy. It doesn't hurt us to have another Mumbai player, now, does it? I 2nd him.
Muscles -- I 3rd him, saar. Anything you do can only be the right thing. I will always follow in your steps.
Shaj ji -- Done. 12 out of 15 gone. Who else?
Juggler -- Errrrrr... guys, are you not forgetting Dawrvid? I mean, come on guys. The Wall. Possibly the best batsman produced by India! The match winner!!
Karnail -- No. Sorry. He was, once upon a time, 'lambi race ka ghoda'. But now is isn't anymore. Bhaiyaa, ab to woh ghode se gadhaa ban gaya hai (he's become a donkey now). Ab uska kuchh nahin ho sakta hai. He's gone now.
Juggler -- I think you are over reacting. Just one bad series and he's gone? Okay, rest him but I think we need to make it clear he is being rested, not dropped.
Karnail -- Okay, give it the name of 'Rest' if you like. But I'm telling you, he ain't gonna be in the ODI team till I am here.
Inzy -- Iz, I not iz a happy with it. Iz not a way iz to treating a greatz playerz.
Yograj -- Sir ji, tussi kuchh jaldi nahin kar rahe si?
Karnail -- Oye, koi jaldi-waldi nahin si!! Salaa, khassi ho gaya si ga. Hor kitne din tak jhelenge una noo?
Yograj -- Sir ji, jaise twadi marzi......
Karnail -- Dawrvid is dropped or rested or whatever. He is not in the team. Let us take anyone else.... say this new guy Parvin Kumar Baabi. He is supposed to be good.
Jr. Sardar -- But sir ji, he was just injured when he jumped out of the open jeep to shoot for a new Ad! I think he might be injured.
Karnail -- I don't care. We will get him his fitness certificates. It's not like he is going to play any games anyways. We need guys to make up the numbers. So he is in. Done is done. I don't need any 2nds or 3rds. This is final. 13 out of 15 gone.
Shah ji -- Okay Karnail. Don't get all worked up. We still have only 7 batsmen including keeper. We need 2 more batsmen. How about Veeru? He made a 50+ score in Challenger.
Juggler -- But sir ji, apart from that 50, his performance has been nothing but horrible. I don't see any reason why he should even be playing in 20/20 let alone ODIs?
Muscles -- Saar, I think I will agree with Juggler here. (Karnail raises his eyebrows) But I will go with whatever you decide. You are supremely intelligent.
Jr. Sardar -- Shah ji, Veeru has been in horrible form. He is not scoring, not bowling, gaining weight. Think again, Shah ji.
Yograj -- I agree with Sardar.
Inzy -- I am Inzy. I iz a agree to Yograj.
Shah ji looks at Karnail.
Karnail -- I think we need to keep in mind the ruling party in Delhi. Having just one Hasmukh from Delhi isn't going to be enough. We need Veeru to be in the team. I 2nd it. Moreover, we have to worry about Veeru ki Maa. It is said that her 'Aashirwad' (blessing) has more power than any Ramu, Shyamu or Hari's Maa. Think about it. If her aashirwad is so powerful, how powerful will her 'Shraap' (curse) be, in case she gets mad at her son not being selected for so long? Think about it.
Shah ji -- I 3rd it using Pawar Sahib's emergency vote. Done. 14 out of 15 gone. Now for the last place, who has proposals?
Jr. Sardar -- I was thinking of Jogiya, but he didn't touch Drunkard Dungar's feet last time they met. He also did not make him his whiskey peg. So I will pass, per his instructions.
Juggler -- I was thinking about Danish Karthik. Why has he not been discussed?
Muscles -- What about S Vishwanath? He is from South.
Yograj -- How about Khim's sister's boyfriend's sister-in-law's uncle's son? His name is Kuchir. I don't know what he can do but.......
Inzy -- Iz, how iz a Abid Ali from iz a Kashmir?
Sleepy -- *biiig yaaaawn* Wake me up when meeting is over. Ungly is already there so what is to worry?
Karnail -- (thunders) WAKE UP, SLEEPY!!! Ungly is not in yet. I propose Ungly.
Yograj -- NOOOoooo.... Sir ji, ye nainsafi mat karo. Please, we don't want him in the team.
Inzy -- Iz, I am Inzy. I scored 15017 run at 60 SR. I not iz a need to another Inzy in a team. Not iz a need to Ungly.
Karnail -- Why? He scores 50 in every innings. His dad supplies free newspapers to me. Prints free invitation cards and brochures for my academy. What's wrong with Ungly?
Yograj -- Sir ji, He plays selfishly. Whenever we ask him to score quickly, he behaves as if he is trying to hit the ball but he deliberately misses. He just plays for his place.
Inzy -- Iz, yeeaaazzz, iz a Ungly iz a do ungli in all iz a matter of team. Iz, he iz a talk to boyz behind a back of me. Iz, he iz a call to people to help and iz not iz a toll to me.
Karnail -- But our team needs his experience. He provides a platform in the beginning.
Yograj -- What platform sir? That platform is made of wet cement, from which no one can take a jump!!! We don't need such platforms sir. Please sir, have mercy.
Inzy -- I am Inzy. I am iz a leader to team. Ungly iz a spread rumorz to me iz going to a retire. Iz, Ungly iz to a politicz in team.
Yograj -- Sir ji, look at his fielding. He runs behind the ball instead of picking it up. He never dives to save runs. When he runs it looks like he is dragging an anchor behind him, probably the same anchor with which he stalls the team.
Karnail -- What can we do if he is too old for that diving, sliding shyte? He can't do that. Accept it. Why throw a tantrum about it? This is the last position. I am proposing Ungly's name, all other names are trash. Who is this Kuchir guy? Huh? What kind of trash are you bringing to the table Yograh? Kuchir, Luchir, Tuchir... huh? If you continue with this shyte then I will have to rethink about you being vice-captain. Huh, what kind of a name Kuchir is, by the way. Who gave him this name - Kuchir!?
Muscles -- I 2nd it, sir. I am behind you in whatever you do.
Karnail -- Who will 3rd it?
Silence rules the room for a while. Finally Shah ji breaks it.
Shah ji -- I 3rd it. Done. all 15 selected. BCCI does not want a lock-jam in selection process. We need to keep it smooth. Okay guys, we are all done here. I will go with Karnail to see what we can do about Step-cricket and influence China. I appreciate you in joining me to finish this process. We will meet again before 2nd ODI to select team for 3rd and 4th ODIs. Then we will meet again for the final ODI team selection. This way we will get to see various tourist spots of India too. Thanks again, and good bye.
AuthorTopic: The Inzy Interview - Team selection, 2 ODIs, PAK in IND (Read 325 times)
