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[feverpitch]

http://greatbong.net/2007/06/12/the-coach-man/#more-416

The Coach-Man

Published June 12th, 2007 in Cricket


You have an abusive, self-obsessed boyfriend (let’s call him Greg Chappell). Ultimately after years of abuse, a disastrous emotional meltdown (let’s call it the World Cup) occurs after which you dump him. Then comes along this other guy, (let’s call him Dave Whatmore) who really wants you with all his heart. You don’t quite feel any passion despite the fact that there is not much wrong with him. In the absence of someone better, you string him along . And then when man 2 (Ford), the guy who really rocks your boat came along, you publicly kick the first suitor in the ass, call him “over eager” and hence by extension a despo. You surrender yourself to the new guy, while your parents present you with man 3 (John Em “Burey” nazar walen tera mooh kala), a two-time divorcee with kids. Not much of a choice. You propose to man2 who then turns around, says he finds you over-eager and spurns your overtures. Taking advantage of all this, man3 panders to his own ego by also rejecting you—-as if you ever asked him.

The Indian cricket coaching tamasha has now officially become a farce. Which is why I desist from analyzing the situation (Shan does it here) but instead propose a solution to the impasse.

Let Maninder Singh (man4) be the next Indian coach.

Why?

Because this man is, to put it mildly, a genius.

Don’t believe me? Well a few days ago, Maninder Singh (India’s premier spin bowler of the 80s) was taken to the hospital with his wrists slashed to ribbons. Evidently a suicide attempt. Not that you can blame the man: he has to share a commentary box with Yashpal Sharma and Atul Wassan. And umpire tepid domestic matches standing under the blazing sun.

But then where’s the genius you ask? It’s this. Maninder firmly maintains that he did not attempt suicide. What happened was simply this:

    Maninder, who was admitted to the Shanti Mukund Hospital Saturday, recorded a statement with the police giving an account of how the incident took place at his Preet Vihar residence in east Delhi.

    Maninder told us his wrists were injured when he smashed the glass panes of the bay window of his home with his hands in an attempt to awaken his family on his return home after midnight Saturday. He termed it an accident,’ Deputy Commissioner of Police Ajay Chaudhry said.

A force of nature. Some ignorant people may ask how does this prove cricketing acumen? Well to be honest it does not. But of late I have been hearing that the main job of a coach is to motivate the players—after all senior cricketers don’t have technical problems (or so I have been told). And what can motivate players better than to see the coach literally bleeding to “awaken” the country?

And if more excitement is needed than the sight of body fluids on glass, Maninder, recently arrested for possessing cocaine and whom the respected Seattle Times considers to be India’s answer to Lindsay Lohan, can supply our boys with some chemical motivators that will surely make them “play out of their skin”, increase their “speed” and hit “crack“ing shots. At the very least with the dressing room promoting “Coke”, the irritating blue billion Pepsi ads will permanently be shelved.

Gavaskar will like the fact that he is Indian. Mohinder Amarnath, who threatened to put Fair and Lovely on himself once upon a time to be the coach, will find his skin tones delightful. Niranjan Shah will discover that Maninder is not very expensive and the only support staff he will ask for are some Nigerian men as sports medicine experts.

In all, a win-win smashing situation for everyone.

Maninder Singh for coach. Please.

[feverpitch]

http://greatbong.net/2007/06/12/dementia-watch/#more-417

Dementia Watch

Published June 12th, 2007 in Cricket



So what was the most demented thing that happened to Indian cricket today?

Was it the quiet backdoor return of the old graded system of payment, favoured by our fatcat cricketers that was dumped amidst public hue and cry after the World Cup debacle?

Was it the appointment of the sprightly 73 year old, hero to Sharad Pawar, Chandu “Gulabrao” Borde as India’s interim manager/motivator, a man who hails from an era of Wes Hall and Roy Gilchrist and not Andrew Hall and Adam Gilchrist? Prone to forget names of cricketers (”for the better part of his tenure as a selector used to call Sourav Ganguly as Gaurav Ganguly“), Borde is in many ways the ideal man to take over Indian cricket now since he has more than a little touch of amnesia and is thus able to “forget”—something die-hard Indian fans like us somehow cannot. Of course there are some sceptics who have expressed their displeasure thusly: ““How can he manage a team when he himself needs one person to manage him?”

In this context, unconfirmed reports that Venkatesh Prasad’s new one-year extended contract has an additional job responsibility of male ayah in the fine print assumes special significance.

But no, something even more demented has happened which Times of India has been so good as to inform as about.

    Kapil Dev and Kiran More may have escaped a show cause notice but the BCCI Working Committee decided to spank them for joining the Essel group-funded Indian Cricket League (ICL), which also got a resounding thumbs down in Tuesday’s meeting.

There is something essentially wrong (though I don’t know what exactly it is) when a former coach and a chief selector are made to bend down over the BCCI treasurer’s lap and get spanked on their rump while they are made to sing “Essel World main rahoonga main, ghar naheen jayoonga main”.

No matter how ethically suspect slapping the bottoms of ex-cricketers may be, I am sure that as each resounding spank bounced off Kiran More’s butt , there were peels of joyous laughter that shook the BCCI offices.

And the man laughing? None other than Saurav sorry Gaurav Ganguly.

[achutank]

 

[atticus]

manager/motivator, a man who hails from an era of Wes Hall and Roy Gilchrist and not Andrew Hall and Adam Gilchrist?

Brilliant !!! Note to self : Don't drink any liquid when reading greatbong articles

[poondu]

Real funny. Greatbong is GREAT!!!!. Can someone invite him to the DG ?

[Libran]

There is something essentially wrong (though I don’t know what exactly it is) when a former coach and a chief selector are made to bend down over the BCCI treasurer’s lap and get spanked on their rump while they are made to sing “Essel World main rahoonga main, ghar naheen jayoonga main”.


 

also remember not to read the Great Bong articles in office....people wonder what is wrong

[avinashgodkhindi]

Fabulously fantastic, I am visiting the blog after many days and this is hilarious